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darxus - The Mad Ramblings of Nchanter [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Nchanter

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darxus [Apr. 22nd, 2004|04:12 pm]
Nchanter
[emotional state |thoughtfulthoughtful]
[song on the wind |REM - Losing My Religion]

I dunno, I just feel like writing about him, about us. I guess it's 'cause I had a wonderful conversation with asciikitty last night that encompassed life, the universe, and everything (most importantly, sex and relationships. And religion, can't forget religion) that while she was talking about her stuff and how she got to where she is right now and admitting stuff for the first time for real (and making me happy that's she's finally seeing the light of the one true way.... just kidding....) it was making me think about the stuff that I’ve been through and so on and so forth. And then I had a wonderful night at the club afterwards, accompanied by the ever-wonderful water_childe and... yea... I just feel like thinking and writing and proclaiming (that and the office is slow today, so it makes me look busy without doing real work. ahhh... slack. Which reminds me, I need to play more chez geek.) So yea. darxus. Well, 1, he's yummy, 2, he makes me happy. But those are pretty apparent. I dunno, a few weeks ago I was feeling like I was in a real relationship with him, or more, that I was part of a couple, and not resentful about that feeling, for the first time in a long long time. And that made me happy. And then, last night, off doing my own stuff, I realized that I feel more myself than I have in a long time. And see, in the past these feelings have been mutually exclusive. I can feel one, or the other, and often neither, but never both. Like, I dunno, darxus and I co-ordinate with each other about which parties we want to go to, and like, plan to go together and stuff (ok, I think we both assume at this point, but we still do discuss it. communicate communicate communicate) but next weekend (May 1) we're going to be doing different things. He's doing, I dunno, *something* and I’m planning on going to Metal Fest with deadwinter (yes, I am, I sent you an e-mail about that. Go read that, silly latin boy ;-) and I feel good that I can go and do my own thing without worrying about him, or that he's going to get upset that I did X without him or that I went with Y instead of him, or that I can be friends with Z even if Z doesn't like him. (Note, I’m not criticizing a specific recent ex-boyfriend here, I’m using examples from a number of guys I’ve dated over the years) I feel like ME and I feel like I’m a part of US and those feelings don't conflict. And that's soooooo cool. I'm thinking that this is what a real, healthy, adult relationship is supposed to feel like. Nifty
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: asciikitty
2004-04-22 01:17 pm (UTC)
thanks honey- I'm feeling pretty good now...

and yay- it's spring and people are in love and just yay.

(word of the day... ;) )
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[User Picture]From: tisana
2004-04-22 01:24 pm (UTC)
"it's spring and people are in love and just yay"

Yeah, they are, and I'm no longer bitter about that. I can now look at couples being cute and smile and feel happy for them...last summer (still in that long term monogamous relationship) I was resenting anyone being happy and cutesy ("I hate you all, fuck off and die before breeding"). Well, overly cutesy and I still get saracastic and cranky, but I'm no longer feeling bitter and deprived--I think I've hit some sort of groove with being OK with being alone, or OK with hanging out and getting attention.
So, let me second that yay.
27 has definitely turned out to be a good year...
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[User Picture]From: asciikitty
2004-04-22 01:28 pm (UTC)
yeah. my ex and his new GF are moving in together, and I'm HAPPY for them. She and I spent a LOT of time emailing back and forth- one liners: "yay!"

2004 is turning out to be a good year. i could get to like this shit...
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[User Picture]From: tisana
2004-04-22 01:20 pm (UTC)
"I can feel one, or the other, and often neither, but never both."

Oh, man, but I can relate to that. I'm getting better, but it's such a tough balance to achieve.
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(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]From: nchanter
2004-04-22 06:14 pm (UTC)
i am definately still going. darxus is going too. you are welcome to come with us still. but yes, everyone and their mother is going to be going. and yes, i'll cover whatever over $9 you need. and would you have objections to staying on darxus's couch instead of mine? if you would rather stay on mine, that's fine, i'm just... wondering.... flexibility. and darxus wants to know if you would stay in the bed with us :-)

--k
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[User Picture]From: fosphorescent
2004-04-22 02:40 pm (UTC)
I feel like ME and I feel like I’m a part of US and those feelings don't conflict.

That IS awesome.
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[User Picture]From: minkrose
2004-04-22 03:55 pm (UTC)
yay! *hug* congrats.

I'm going to be giving you a call in the near future... tonight? or possibly tomorrow. or you can give me a call becuase i'm always around.
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[User Picture]From: deadwinter
2004-04-22 04:59 pm (UTC)

Sorry I haven't gotten back

yes we are going, I am trying to coordinate with the other folks.

And I am very glad you find yourself in such a good headspace.
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[User Picture]From: dawnfeather
2004-04-22 11:38 pm (UTC)
yay for krissy!! ::hugs upon hugs:: glad things are going so well hun. ::big grin:: will be home mid-may, and hope to chill with you, or you and said boy at some point. :-D
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[User Picture]From: pierceheart
2004-05-03 06:22 am (UTC)

allow me to be introducink myself . . .

I found your page via tisana

Let me quote:"and I feel good that I can go and do my own thing without worrying about him, or that he's going to get upset that I did X without him or that I went with Y instead of him, or that I can be friends with Z even if Z doesn't like him. (Note, I’m not criticizing a specific recent ex-boyfriend here, I’m using examples from a number of guys I’ve dated over the years) I feel like ME and I feel like I’m a part of US and those feelings don't conflict. And that's soooooo cool. I'm thinking that this is what a real, healthy, adult relationship is supposed to feel like. Nifty"

Very nifty. This is the sort of thing I ma looking for, though it is not something I can work on MUCH while I am in Iraq. What I need to work on is being the person who someone doesn't need to worry about me thinking that possesively. I mean, I have claimed to poly for a while, but I haven't yet fully shed my Catholic upbringing and gotten fully over the possessive thing. Yet. It's my goal, and I am getting better at it, slowly.
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