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Wedding Planning & Related Anxiety Update - The Mad Ramblings of Nchanter [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Nchanter

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Wedding Planning & Related Anxiety Update [May. 6th, 2011|03:38 pm]
Nchanter
Because if I don't write this out, I think I will explode.

So we decided to have a small wedding (under 75 guests). We ended up initially sending out 38 Save The Dates. After my mother was up here, I need to send out 6 more, because she decided that I wasn't planning some completely heathen shindig, that the family friends from DC should come to the Boston Wedding, vs the Pittsburgh celebration the weekend after. This is the size that we want. I want to be able to actually spend time with the people we're inviting to this wedding, and coming up with a "I can't imagine getting married without this set of people" list was actually easy to come up with.


And outside of that list, I'm having guilt issues. Gumby is inviting a bunch of people that he doesn't expect to be able to come (and many of whom didn't get Save The Dates), and I really am inviting the people that are most important to me. I keep on stumbling, however, on people that "wouldn't it be nifty if they came too!" but once I start down that road, I know it could quickly balloon.

Local friends that haven't really spent time around Gumby & I, but use to be important parts of my life, but haven't been in the past few years, are the part that I'm having the most second thoughts and slight feelings of guilt around. Mostly those that I hope/would like to refresh the friendships with, but honestly aren't sure that either of us have the lifestyle/time in which to do so. And yes, I know if it's THAT important, you make the time. But considering the falling by the wayside, clearly it hasn't BEEN that important.

I also have a few online friends that we know from ATITD that I am having second thoughts about not inviting. Some of them I've met IRL, some of them I haven't (Gumby hasn't met any of them IRL), but either way they are a part of the community that exists that brought Gumby & I togeather. I hate feeling so dismissive of it, and like it's easy to write those relationships off.

I think this is creeping up again because we expanded the list to include these people from home (whom I originally wanted at the wedding in Boston, and then mom was like "No, they should come to the Pittsburgh event" and then she changed her mind). I am also trying to keep this an event about Gumby & I, and not just about me, so I've been trying to keep the number of people that he doesn't know that I'm inviting to a minimum.

I'm also anxiety-ing over this issue 'cause I've thought about hanging out with some of these people that we're not inviting. I wonder, especially since I am focusing on wedding planning a lot right now, if it's weird to ask someone out to lunch or over for dinner, and not to invite them, so I find myself wanting to avoid those people until October. Which is stupid. But if we were having a slightly larger wedding, they would be invited. Or had I, in some alternate weird universe, put together my wedding invite list a year or two ago, these people would have been right on top (and some people ON the list I barely knew who they were).

I know that this is how life works, this is normal, other people go through this too, unless you do uber-small or large events. However, having a manageable size guest-list, where both Gumby & I enjoy ourselves, is more important than allaying my temporary guilt.

Wow, writing that out DID help. Yay.


TL;DR: Keeping the wedding guest list a manageable size without feeling guilty about not inviting people is harder than I thought it would be.

On an upnote, I bought the DRESS this week. It's sold as a bridesmaid's dress, and I'm ordering it in BLUE (after lots of consideration, deliberation and thought that could be the basis of a small thesis on event planning) and I love it so so so much! The dress company calls the color "Indigo" but it's more like a slightly desaturated royal blue.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: moonshadow
2011-05-06 08:10 pm (UTC)
It is your special day, it is for you. Your friends who you haven't been in touch with in a while (which I believe includes me!) will understand. We will still want to hang out with you. We are happy for you and want your day to be perfect. Exactly the day you want it to be.

In funny news, I had an anxiety dream about your wedding last night too! So I hope that means that you will have one less.
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From: caulay
2011-05-06 08:30 pm (UTC)
As moonshadow says, it's your day. You get to choose and you should not feel guilt about who you choose, as long as they are people that will make you happy. Choosing people that will upset you (for any reason, including family pressure) is the only thing you can do wrong.
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[User Picture]From: randysmith
2011-05-06 09:18 pm (UTC)
Ditto what other folks said. From my perspective, it's not even an "it's your day" thing (though it is), so much as there are tight constraints of many many different sorts on these type of events, which generally result in exactly the position you're in. And folks who have a clue know that, and don't stress about it.

Of course, mostly this is giving my definition of "folks who have a clue" :-}.
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[User Picture]From: woodwardiocom
2011-05-06 09:42 pm (UTC)
All's cool, Purple Girl.
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[User Picture]From: vibrantabyss
2011-05-06 09:44 pm (UTC)
*hug* try not to stress over it. People understand.
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[User Picture]From: minkrose
2011-05-06 10:02 pm (UTC)
We had this a lot as well. Moving to Western Mass and then back made that harder - we had some people who were close friends out there, but we hadn't kept in touch with, and vice versa. Just because we were back in Boston didn't mean we'd magically started hanging out with all the same people again.

Anyway, I kept the list of people who we wanted to rekindle friendships with but didn't quiiiite want at the wedding. Now, we can spend the time to try to revive those friendships. But inviting someone to your wedding (where, honestly, you will spend a finite amount of time with everyone!) is not the best way to do it. Plus, it's a rather expensive party. We solved this by having a party in our house where we invited (literally) everyone we have ever known. We got to see lots of people who didn't get invited to the wedding, but as a end-of-honeymoon/housewarming party, no one seemed to care.


Also: that said, it WAS hard to balance spending time with people who weren't invited to the wedding (we had about 83 people). Mostly, I was too busy to see anyone, and when I did run into people at large gatherings, I tried to act normal. IF the wedding came up, I tried to stress that my parents friends & family were eating up a large portion of the list (definitely true, they made up at least a quarter, way more than Andy's parents invited), and if anyone is upset about it, they never told me. I would hope most of the people you aren't inviting will be able to be honest with themselves and realise it really wasn't appropriate, and then they can be mature & just be happy for you.
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[User Picture]From: benndragon
2011-05-06 10:51 pm (UTC)
The smallest wedding I ever went to was maybe a dozen people, and I was there partially by virtue of living with the bride and groom - our backyard was the site of the ceremony. It was somewhat last-minute (they'd been long planning on getting married when one of them got their Ph.D., but doing it the same day as graduation was not as long-planned).

I don't think you know them, but I could see if they'd be willing to talk to you about these things causing you concern, if'n you'd like.
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From: aelscha
2011-05-09 01:13 pm (UTC)
I think it's very rare that a friendship has lapsed, and one party is oblivious to it.

It's also IMPOSSIBLE to have a party that includes all of the people who you might regret not being there, and also has only people who will still be important in three (my data point) years. No matter what you do, you'll probably make both errors. It's part of the process. There are people I wish had been at our wedding, who weren't, and people who I no longer am affiliated with, who were. And, while it feels a bit headdesky at times, it's a very small deal as these things go.
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[User Picture]From: drwex
2011-05-09 04:29 pm (UTC)

This is indeed difficult

I'm glad you're managing to navigate the channels.
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[User Picture]From: supercheesegirl
2011-05-18 05:50 pm (UTC)
I would like to repeat all the things moonshadow said. She's smart.

We all love you, and we get it about guest lists. (Or at least anyone who's thrown a wedding gets it--and I'm guessing you understand now why you didn't get an invite to mine and how sad I felt about that.) You should have your wedding and not worry too much. People will understand.
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