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So here is my problem with the conversation going on in our community… - The Mad Ramblings of Nchanter [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Nchanter

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[Jul. 15th, 2014|01:30 pm]
Nchanter
So here is my problem with the conversation going on in our community (and if you have no idea what I'm talking about, Goddess bless you and move along) -- there are a lot of people that are trying to get around talking about specifics and nuances. These things aren't black and white. You can't have black and white rules (well, you can, but they tend to backfire). Additionally, there is some demonizing going on of people who aren't holding specific black and white lines. That's so not OK.

Judah isn't welcome in my home. Someone I care about *vastly* more than him has said she doesn't want him around. That's the end of it for me. I don't think that people who still are friends with him are bad people. I don't think that Rachel and Scott are bad people for allowing him to be at the BoS party. I think that anyone demonizing them for it is wrong. People make decisions and choices given the information they have at the time. Sometimes it is flawed. Sometimes it's not. Sometimes they have information that you don't have.

There are a lot of well meaning people who are saying things that boil down to "abusers aren't tolerated at my parties" and while I understand and agree with the sentiment, I call bullshit. You know why I call bullshit? Because my abusive ex-boyfriend (Darxus) is still invited to their parties, and allowed in their houses. I've had someone, as recently as a year ago, try and tell me that I should give him the benefit of the doubt, that he's a good guy, etc. Some of these same people are saying that Judah isn't welcome in their homes.

I'll admit I'm a bit bitter. Is Darxus accepted in the community still because I wasn't as public about it as Song is? Maybe. I won't drumbeat that much out in public. However, in the 8+ years since my ex and I broke up I have not been exactly quiet about the fact that our relationship was abusive. Was there as clear a case of rape as there was with Judah and Song? I would not say that my ex ever raped me. Was I in a relationship where I didn't feel like I could say no to sex without repercussions? Yes.

Let me state that again with less negatives: I was in a relationship where I felt like if I said no to sex, there would be negative repercussions.

Many people in the community are still friends with him, still invite him to their parties, welcome him into their homes, and that was a large reason why I stopped showing up to things, and distanced myself from the community. I stopped going to Scott and Rachel's parties for half-a-decade because of that, and once I started showing up I *always* made sure there was someone on my "safe" list there that I could flee to if I started having a panic attack (which I have).

Am I angry? Mostly not any more. I'm not saying all of this because I want people to dis-invite Darxus, ostracize him, etc. I'm saying this because I can't stand the hypocrisy. Because this shit is rarely as black-and-white as some people are portraying it to be. Because I am still friendly acquaintances or casual friends with people that still speak to him. They are not bad people. Neither are those who chose to maintain a friendship with Judah. Rachel and Scott are not bad people for not previously banning Judah from their parties.

People, relationships, narratives and life all have nuances. Please remember to acknowledge that.

Kris "Nchanter" Snyder
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: minkrose
2014-07-15 05:50 pm (UTC)
*hugs* Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this.
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[User Picture]From: taura_g
2014-07-15 05:57 pm (UTC)

This.

*hugs* Thank you.
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[User Picture]From: nchanter
2014-07-15 08:10 pm (UTC)
You're welcome (and I'm particularly glad you got to read it. I didn't know if you'd see it, but I'm happy you did.)
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[User Picture]From: minkrose
2014-07-16 02:16 am (UTC)
I'm reading everything on this topic that I think I can stand to read (some of Shira, specific threads from Scott that get passed along to me, You, Wex, taura_g, and MizArchivist, basically). I have a lot of thoughts, and I've been talking about it a bit in private channels, but I'm just not up for talking about this "out loud" yet. There's been a lot of other stuff going on and I haven't had time to catch my (emotional) breath.


Yeah, I just tried to write even a tiny actual-point and I can tell I'm flubbing the words. I agree with you LOTS. I have lots of thoughts. I want to be clear & therefore more effective (I hope) when I say them. So much <3 for you.
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[User Picture]From: mizarchivist
2014-07-16 06:13 pm (UTC)
<3
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[User Picture]From: woodwardiocom
2014-07-15 05:53 pm (UTC)
Thank you for posting this. I definitely remember your relationship with Darxus as being abusive, and I think I commented on that, to you, at the time (or shortly after the breakup). In hindsight, it was clearly a very unhealthy relationship for both of you. With huge emphasis on the "very".

And yet, Darxus has a key to my house, is dating my live-in girlfriend, is an honorary uncle to my daughter, and puts her to bed one night a week. I sometimes have trouble reconciling this.

I have complete respect and understanding for your decision to distance yourself from Darxus and thus from me and my family. I do miss you, but I understand that my choices have consequences I have to live with.

People do have nuance, and do change. I have had many conversations with Zeph over the years about how he's changed, and a few with him. (I should probably have another one soon.)

I'm rambling, so I'll finish up by saying thanks, again. You've reminded me of another side of this issue.
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[User Picture]From: nchanter
2014-07-15 05:58 pm (UTC)
You are one of the chief examples in my head when I think of people who are not bad people just 'cause they are friends with Darxus. You've always been respectful and understanding enough to not ever try and tell me that I should give him another chance. I am really grateful for that respect (and it's kinda absurd that society tells me I should be grateful for someone respecting my perspective, but that's a completely other conversation, and doesn't make me feel less grateful or appreciative towards you).

You're a good guy Jon. Keep it up.

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[User Picture]From: woodwardiocom
2014-07-15 06:03 pm (UTC)
You're a good guy Jon. Keep it up.

You warm my heart, dear.
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[User Picture]From: drwex
2014-07-15 05:58 pm (UTC)

Point, game, set

I do understand that there are people who think they can paint the world with neat lines of black and white but I wasn't joking when I wrote: I reject any formulation that says, "It's simple, just XYZ."

I'm sorry I was not aware of how bad your relationship with Darxus had been or that it included coerced sex.
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[User Picture]From: nchanter
2014-07-15 08:07 pm (UTC)

Re: Point, game, set

The second part of your comment is bothering me. I'm hearing it as "well, now that I know you were serious about the fact that your relationship was abusive, I'll respect the fact that you don't want to deal with your ex."

Look, I don't think you're a bad person for continuing to welcome him into your home. I get it -- this shit is complicated. However, there is some... underlying implications... to your comment that you needed to know the details to *believe* me that I find deeply unsettling.

I realize that this community is a lot more sensitive to this sort of thing than it was 8 years ago, partially in thanks to Song speaking out about her experiences, and partially because the (geeky) cultural narrative is changing (thank the ever loving gods for that).

While I'm not personally comfortable with Judah being publicly vilified as much as he has been, I have never once doubted the validity of Song's trauma, and I have never once said that it isn't her right to scream from the rooftops her narrative of the situation. I feel like your comment, is communicating how without that knowledge, it was OK for you (and/or others) to doubt me, or not treat my claims or distaste for Darxus as valid.

(I'm trying very hard to not attack you here... I'm sorry if anything I am saying is hurtful. But it's how I feel. I do appreciate the apology, and hopefully the silver lining to this entire mess is lots of things being learned.)
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[User Picture]From: drwex
2014-07-15 08:19 pm (UTC)

Re: Point, game, set

You should not feel badly. I clearly worded my comment poorly and for that I also apologize. I do believe you and would (I hope) have believed what you said without any details. I have always said I believed Song and I've been arguing against people who I feel are evidence-demanding and blame-shifting.

Apologies are often undercut by the apologizer trying to explain what they meant to say. If you want to know what I meant I will try again, but otherwise I'll stop here: I am sorry that my comment unsettled you and I promise to listen openly to anything you want to say to me.


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[User Picture]From: zzbottom
2014-07-15 07:17 pm (UTC)
I very much appreciate hearing your voice in this. Thank you.
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[User Picture]From: nchanter
2014-07-16 01:01 am (UTC)
Your welcome. Thank you for reading.
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From: caulay
2014-07-15 07:26 pm (UTC)
Short version of my Darxus/Zeph thoughts: I figured they were skating by on "plausible deniability" and Zeph having totally dumped nearly everyone who knew her history (and no one bothered to listen to ahf when that would have meant not being able to play with "the new hotness").

I will point out that ahf was not the primary injured party in things with Zeph, she was just caught in the fall-out.

For those of you that think Zeph's wonderful and a great friend, I'm happy for you and I hope you're right. But I'm not going to actually believe it.
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[User Picture]From: randysmith
2014-07-15 07:45 pm (UTC)
Thank you for this. And I'm sorry. *hugs if you want them*
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[User Picture]From: nchanter
2014-07-15 08:08 pm (UTC)
Hugs accepted!
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[User Picture]From: crazybone
2014-07-15 09:35 pm (UTC)
I read this.
*Hugs*
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[User Picture]From: nchanter
2014-07-16 01:01 am (UTC)
*Hugs*
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[User Picture]From: bbbsg
2014-07-15 10:32 pm (UTC)
Thank you for writing this.
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[User Picture]From: nchanter
2014-07-16 01:00 am (UTC)
Thank you for reading it.
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[User Picture]From: persis
2014-07-15 11:56 pm (UTC)
*hugs* Clearly I have been far too busy being unemployed to keep up with the kerfuffle. I think this is a good thing. Thank you for bringing some clarity and level-headedness.
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[User Picture]From: nchanter
2014-07-16 01:03 am (UTC)
I've been busy, but I've caught enough of it that it's been gnawing at me. Writing this out has helped settle my mind some (and man, the amount of deleting expletives that I did before posting this... glad that it made me sound level-headed. I don't completely *feel* level headed).
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[User Picture]From: marphod
2014-07-16 12:20 am (UTC)
My connection to this is tangential at best. I've been in the same place at the same time as most of the principals at one time or another, but have had near zero social interactions with any of them.

I used to regret that I didn't know some of them better; after this, not so much.


I'm sorry that you got caught up in the blast radius of the mess.
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[User Picture]From: sweetmmeblue
2014-07-16 12:58 am (UTC)

still listening

I'm here. I read all of it. HUGS
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From: aelscha
2014-07-16 01:45 am (UTC)
Love you, hon.
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[User Picture]From: weegoddess
2014-07-16 01:58 am (UTC)
I've read all of this post twice. It was an incredibly brave thing for you to write. Thank you.

I'm here too. I'm reading, and listening.

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[User Picture]From: paradoox
2014-07-16 04:56 am (UTC)
Thanks for writing this. Well said. *Hugs*
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[User Picture]From: vibrantabyss
2014-07-16 12:44 pm (UTC)
Thank you for posting this, and*hugs*
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[User Picture]From: mizarchivist
2014-07-16 06:28 pm (UTC)
::mountains of pebbles::
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[User Picture]From: ckd
2014-07-16 07:23 pm (UTC)
*pebble*
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