||[Feb. 26th, 2002|06:57 am]
|[||song on the wind
|||||David Draiman - Forsaken||]|
i'm awake to attempt to write a paper that was due last week.
i need to go to bed earlier. i need to do enough of an assemblance of HW earlier in the day to not do this. and look at the week at which i'm saying this. i need to not be emotionally drained. i need to not let people emotionally drain me. i need to let go of the most wonderful thing in the world 'cause all it's doing is hurting me.
i'm going to nap for 5 or ten minutes. i need to poop out this paper, like last week i needed to do it.
13 more class days.
shawn was right, i'm a bad diety. i get myself all in a state where i can function again and i let 5 minutes of quiet on the phone with him dehabilitate me again. why oh why couldn't he have snapped ot his senses while away? why can't he see what he's doing? why can't he see that he's hurting me and he can not if he would just not be stupid. i need to cut him out. only way to make the pain go away. but what if i cut him out and he then snaps out of it, or into it, or whatever. what if i cut him out and finally he gets it. and i'm constantly reminded of what i have and it's nice but it's not that and it's not what i'm looking for. don't get me wrong, i love what i have. and i don't think i could give it up right now, but i need someone that i know i can.... i'm looking for my husband already. is that fucked up? i'm 19. why am i trying to grow up already? stablitiy? maybe once i get out of here (under 3 weeks) i'll be better. but no. i must be all psycho. HELP!
i broke and cried last night in gwen's lap after she had done her bout of similar bitching. the cycle of catching we do with eachother is interesting. one of us is constantly running behond the other when they are done being collapsed to catch the one that was just holding us. though we went for good thai food on moody street (as apposed to green papaya which has gone majorly down hill, joshy, if you ever come back to mass we are going there 'cause green papaya has lost it's flare. it's called erwin of siam. Soooo Good. and the waiters are in tux's and it's yummy and i ate duck. good duck. duck that was falling off the fork. and then we went to lizzy's for ice cream. i couldn't finish my small as normal. i should start getting child sized. and then we yelled shakespeare from the streets and some "homeboys" kept on looking at us. it was fun. after in my car i almost yelled at them driving by them "if you were men as men you are in show, you would not use a gentle lady so" but i chickened. i'm not a performer, i got stage fright. but it was so empowering.
oh spite! oh hell! i see you are all bent
to set against me for your merryment
i definately feel like this some days....