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The Mad Ramblings of Nchanter [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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[Mar. 2nd, 2002|03:38 pm]
i just worked in the theatre for a few hours. i don't want to wash the lighting grease off. i am going back in there at latest 10pm again and doing more work. i'm supposed to go to dinner with jorge. i don't know if i want to anymore.

i am going to type out everything that's on my mind. brace yourselves.

talked to james last night. i was upset so i called him. stupid stupid stupid krissy. i was upset 'cause i was feeling torn about jorge. see, i really like him. i told statik the other night and of cource he runs and tells jorge. so that means i have to aknowledge it. now i don't just like him like i usually like people, i love talking to him. i'm not all like, "hey, he's cute, i think i feel something (attraction) and i want to go for it and play for a while and then, well ditch" no. i like jorge like in a way that i don't want him to know. he's a really chill cat and it's like the type of thing i fuck up. so i'm content to being his friend, esp once the kelly thing happened. i don't steal interests from my friends. i really try not to, 'cause that's just... no.... that was my whole reservation about the james thing in the beginning, i was friends with laura first. anyways... so yea. so i call james for comfort and also i had been reading this story and there was something in there that reminded me of what i had, kinda still do but am trying to block out, feel for him. so i missed him. so i called 'cause i really wanted to talk to him. he was stoned. then he goes off on something about how he never got why i reffered to him as my boyfriend, that is was more just like us hanging out (and talking to eachother all the time, and feeling a really really deep connection, and me staying over in his dorm room) and he never got that but then he goes off on how much he cares about me and loves me, and then he goes off on this monogomy is not nessisarily the be all and end all, and i was like, um... yea, i know. that's not what i asked of you... and then he compairs me to tova or something, and the whole while it's just compounding and tears are streaming down my face and then i'm like, "ok, i'm going to go" and i heard maybe half of what he said and i rember less. and then i got mad. i don't like being upset, so i felt rage.

this morning i decided to talk to jorge about how jen said that kelly would go ballistic if i told her that i really liked jorge, and that he liked me back, and we were thinking about getting involved, and he's all like "well i don't want to hurt anyone" and i'm like "well neither do i but i'm sick of my life being run by other people's emotions but it's your call" and after a while he decided that we should probably just be friends, and i told him i was fine with that, and i was, except i found myself feeling alot more hurt by that than i thought i was going to be. i mean, i knew i liked him, i just didn't realize that it was going to affect me. so i'm really really hurt by alot of things right now. and my normal doubts about alan and i are popping back up into my head, which always sucks. not to mentioned all the stuff like schoo, dance concert, and being out of here in under 2 weeks that is overwhelming. so i'm all not really ok right now, and i'm really pissed off, and um... yea.

on an up note, i have the key to my very frist apartment. go me.

[User Picture]From: opeth
2002-03-02 05:12 pm (UTC)
Okay, this went too far a long time ago.
You told me you couldn't hear most of what I said. You were right.

We need to *talk*. In person. In the next month.
I have told you the complete truth all along, I never said once I was breaking up with Laura, and for over a month and I have, I have said explicitely that I am not.

I have remained quiet and allowed people to think what they will, I don't like making things like this public, although I definitely do not keep them private.

When we talk and spend time together, it is because I like you and because you tell me you want to. This is not me calling you up all of the time to mess with your head, nor would I even ever do that either to an enemy or evil ex. Which you are neither of.

I care what happens to you. A lot. And I care about you. A lot. That does not mean that the only possible thing there is to do is to date. My point mentioning Tova was about a close relationship without dating.

As for pot, I was due, there were a buch of people interested, and it's not like I do it every day, or every week, or even often every month. I warned you at the beginning that I would love to talk with you, but that I would be tipping over into the realm of ADD.

Okay, this is fragmented, and only snippits and bits, because I don't have my thoughts organized right now.

Basically, you can reply to this in two ways:

1. Pass this post off as some insult to you, get completely pissed off at me, cut me out of your life, go your own way, and rue the day you met me.

2. See this as the honest attempt that it is, and call, or E-mail, or IM me some time, and we can meet, and try and actually come to some conclusion about how to make things such that you can go about your life without being depressed/angry because of me all of the time. As I have said for quite a while, I will do anything you want me to, except break up with Laura, but I have been saying that I would not do that all along.

I know that I would prefer the second, but the choice is wholly up to you.
It took me a lot to post this, it is no comment on anyone that I don't want to discuss it, or anything this personal, further on an open forum.
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[User Picture]From: nchanter
2002-03-02 05:31 pm (UTC)
1- i stated in my post that i didn't hear alot of what you said.

2- i didn't say you were fucking with my head

3- i don't care that you were stoned. i should have just known better than to try and talk to you while on it. 'cause you brought up stuff about us. that was NOT why i called you. i was a wreak when i called you, and i was a wreak when i got off the phone

4- i am not going to "rue the day i met you." if anything i will rue the day i fuckin' fell in love with you 'cause it was probably one of the stupidest things i could have ever done. i'm not saying i regret the time we spent, i'm not being an evil ex and denying that i did love you, or that i do love you. i still do. i guess that's what i'm mad at 'cause it's a situation that if i had kept myself in it would have destroyed me. i was not functional when i wasn't around you.

5- you know, you could call me...

6- i will say what i want where i want. if it's in your journal and you don't like it then you can delete it, and sink to brian's level. if it's in my journal, tough. it's not slander, you can't touch it. yes i'm at the level of playing that way. with anyone and everyone.
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[User Picture]From: skryptic
2002-03-03 10:45 am (UTC)
:grabs more popcorn: ooohhhh a spin off... I liked version 2 of his options at the end. and rue the day?? who talks like that?
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