Nchanter (nchanter) wrote,

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really screwed up but literal dream.

i threw off my sleep cycle a little bit last night, so i woke up finally with the 4th alarm (insteaed of the 2nd or 4rd tiem i hit the snooze button. and i finally woke up during the dream i was having. iow- i rember it. i don't really have time to write it down but i need to.

i was living in a little house, almost a trailor but not quite with my mother, except i was a little boy. my father didn't live there. my mother would hit me with the banester any time i did anythign wrong. there was a banister 'cause there was a basement, my room was down there. there was no door though, they had taken it off 'cause i use to lock myself down in there. there were no boys toys in the house, only girls toys. i then grew up, and the beatings stopped. one day i came home cross-dressed, and my mother started yelling at me. i asked her what she thought would happen to me trying to make me into a little girl all those years. as grown up i looked as i am now. in this vision, i was in a dress, a frilly girly dress much like those she would shove me into to go to church when i was like 8. i hated those dresses. for some reason i did something that pissed her off. she grabbed the banister for the first time in a few years. i kept on calling her a bad parent, i said how dad had never hit me. she scremed back that dad had left us, and it was only in the past few years that dad had really tried to love me, and she had sacrificed some sort of lifestyle for me. and she started hitting me with the banister, and it hurt so much worse then when i was little. and then i ran out of the house and followed the sign (at one of those 12 way intersections with signs pointed in different directions) saying "People's Republic of Massachusettes" (that's a tobyism) i don't remeber if my sister was there at all. as i was running i woke up.

how fuckin' literal is that? my father traveled alot until i was like, 10, when he lost his job. my mother use to hit me and kept on telling me how i needed to act more like a girl. my father constantly told me to act the age i looked, not the age i was (for a long long time i was so tall that i looked older than i was. i don't know when that stopped. somewhere in high school, 'cause i know my freshman year people at feild all thought i was older when i first got there... and a few people at csw too) also, there was an incident earlier this year where my mother almost hit me or did hit me and i've tried not to be at home much since. it was funny, 'cause she hadn't hit me (that i can rember) since the whole me getting kicked out of school thing my freshman year.

shit, i need to go to class.

i just really needed to write this out. sorry that you spent time reading it.

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