so i suck. like alot. i slept through most of work today. didn't know it. i'm doing that thing i did in highschool. it's not worth my time, so my body is like "fuck this, i want to sleep, and not hurt, and so on and so forth." i'm really upset with myself, yet on another lever i just don't care. and i don't. and that's the problem. what really worries me is if i do this with emerson. this is why i told my parents that i didn't want to go to school right away. i need to figure this type of shit out. like i rembered the other day. i HATE school. i hate doing anything i'm not getting anything out of. maybe i'll get something out of emerson, i don't know. but when it stops being rewarding my body and brain and subconciouse are all like "ok, we're just not going to do this." bagh. you know, i would have been much better off if i had stayed in public school. i would have learned how to deal with this, instead of being told that i'm a beautiful and unique snowflake, and i am worth more than the imposisions that a capotalistic society puts on us. because i'm not. i'm the same decaying organic matter as everything else, and i'm not above the BS everyone else is. i'm 19. this isn't going to get anybetter. fuck. you know, i might just be turning back into a goth.