||[May. 16th, 2002|03:32 pm]
so i suck. like alot. i slept through most of work today. didn't know it. i'm doing that thing i did in highschool. it's not worth my time, so my body is like "fuck this, i want to sleep, and not hurt, and so on and so forth." i'm really upset with myself, yet on another lever i just don't care. and i don't. and that's the problem. what really worries me is if i do this with emerson. this is why i told my parents that i didn't want to go to school right away. i need to figure this type of shit out. like i rembered the other day. i HATE school. i hate doing anything i'm not getting anything out of. maybe i'll get something out of emerson, i don't know. but when it stops being rewarding my body and brain and subconciouse are all like "ok, we're just not going to do this." bagh. you know, i would have been much better off if i had stayed in public school. i would have learned how to deal with this, instead of being told that i'm a beautiful and unique snowflake, and i am worth more than the imposisions that a capotalistic society puts on us. because i'm not. i'm the same decaying organic matter as everything else, and i'm not above the BS everyone else is. i'm 19. this isn't going to get anybetter. fuck. you know, i might just be turning back into a goth.
Hon, you know there's a problem. The first thing to do is figure out how to keep yourself healthy so that this shit doesn't have to happen; perhaps some of your illness is psychological and/or behavioral, and thus can be dealt with. Second, maybe you should look for a more fulfilling job; keep working at your current place, but be on the lookout for something more engaging/challeging. Third, don't worry about Emerson, because if you worry you're more likely to start feeling negatively about it. At Emerson, you'll be able to do what you love to do, and do a lot of it, so I really believe that you will be happy there.
Time for a counter-argument!
1) You don't suck. That's my job in life, so don't budge in on my territory here.
2) Laugh at something, be it terribly mundane or whatever. Just have a good time for about two hours and don't let go of that. You'll feel better. Trust me.
3) Emerson is going to be fine. I didn't bribe the Admissions Department for nothing.
4) You're not required to be "above", "below" or "two steps to the right, diagonally" of bullshit. Noone else is. You're special, but not that special.
5) Life always gets better. It can look really shitty at times, but there's always an upward trend. There's always a new joy to be had, a new friend to be made and a new gun to go play with. Well, maybe not the third one for everyone, but you get the idea.
Life isn't all terrible. It'll get better. Trust me.
so, now that the psychobabble and meaningless and flimsy reassurance bases have been covered..here's my take, FWIW:
sucking is really easy and not very rewarding, but it's just another thing to do, not a terminal illness. finding a reason to get up in the morning *doesn't* get any easier, and it *isn't* because your perspective has been warped by private school or anything else. there *is* no reason to get up in the morning, and at some point we each have to face the fact that life is a pointless race against self-delusion and boredom, and then choose to run it anyway.
if you ask me, going to school before you have a clear idea why it's worth it to you is a mistake. the same thing goes for jobs, really. in either case, it's not so much about whether the job or the school is interesting (although it makes it easier) -- it's about having a strong enough reason for being there that when you do encounter obstacles (boredom being one of them), you will be willing to take the energy and risk to overcome them.
a job will never be a reason to get up in the morning. you have to find that in yourself, and then if that reason you've found requires you to have money, it won't take much to convince yourself to go to work.
(IMO, YMMV, etc. -- these things seem to tend to lose their truth as soon as they're written down, but maybe you'll find something in there that makes sense to you.)