||[Jun. 15th, 2002|08:52 pm]
i put this as a comment in drownophelia's livejourna. aka lala....
i considered posting this anonymousely. but i wanted you to know it was me. i'm just saying hi. i'm not doing anything evil to you. i don't know if i hate you. you probably think you have every reason to hate me. i would like to talk to you. it's been a while. it's been.... 4 years?
no, i didn't just vanish. i wish i could have explained what was going on in my head to you, and mostly to fen. fuck, i thought i was in love with you. but i was young, and i didn't know what being in love was. lord knows i was fucked up then. lord knows you were fucked up then. fine, ok, whatever. i was upset to hear you were hooking up with brandon skull. i still talk to ox. he was actually at my apt... yesterday. wow. that crushed me. about a year after i was asked to leave i learned that what he was doing to me, to us, was sexual harassment.
i was not happy. i guess i should thank you 'cause it got me out of that damned state, off to a happier place, where i found myself. however, i have found that the field school haunts me. there are ghosts, and you are one of them, that make me cry once every so often.
god, that whole thing fucked with my head. scared the shit out of me. i just... i wanted to... someone, i don't even rember now, said that we should try and get her to shut up.
i remember, one day while shopping with you and fen. you were my girlfriend then. you wanted to buy some top at express that was probably a little slutty. you looked wonderful in it, the way i rember it atleast. you didn't buy it 'cause you were afraid of what cristina z was going to say. i rember fen and i saying something while you were getting back into your clothes. how stupid it was that you cared. how stupid that list was that brandon had. how stupid all the shit that happens in highschool is.
i rember wanting to make you happy.
thank you for almost fucking up my life.
this is why i blame you. you told the headmistress (i don't even rember her name) i rember cristina z hadn't even told the administration that she had recieved a letter. i can't belive she passed it out. ok, i can. she was an attention getter. she liked making people feel sorry for her. you then wouldn't talk to me. and then my parents wouldn't let me talk to anyone. and i was supposed to be given a chance, by the school, to sit down with you, and fen, and lauren, and whoever else may have composed our little group (i've blocked most of it from my memory) and explain, appologize and stuff. explain. i want to explain. i want to talk. though i won't be surprised if you block me from commenting and so on and so forth.
i'm not nearly so screwed up anymore. 4 years does alot to a person.
i don't know what else to say. hi. i'm alive. i exist. i love, i hurt, i feel, i'm good. i'm glad to know you're doing something with yourself. here's a quick update on me, if you care.
i went to boarding school outside of boston. becuase of missing credits and failed classes, i graduated mid year this year. next year i'm going to emerson to (try) get a BFA in stage management and production. i'm happy. i live in an apt about 5 minutes outside of boston. i have two wonderful boyfriends who i love very much, and a group of kickass friends. i'm happy. it took me 19 years to get to this point. lord know what would have happened had i stayed there.
you are a ghost. my past has been haunting me. i would like to talk. i would also like to get in touch with fen, if she has an AIM or a LJ or something that you know of, if you two still talk.
i don't think i hate you anymore. this is good.
wow, i'm not crying. i'm not breathing either, but i'm not crying....