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alot of times i'm afraid to put all of my feelings in here. i… - The Mad Ramblings of Nchanter — LiveJournal [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Nchanter

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[Jul. 17th, 2002|10:09 pm]
Nchanter
[emotional state |shockedshocked]

alot of times i'm afraid to put all of my feelings in here.

i have two boyfriends. i love them both. i have tried not to designate a primary and a secondary, though there have been times when i have. and it has flip/floped. but alan's going away and we are doing a LDR so that kinda defaults james into the primary slot. but once i started thinking about it... once i let myself start thinking about it, there wasn't any question in my mind that he is my primary. i kinda feel like i've been lying to alan. but i haven't. i love him, a lot. he's one of my saving graces, and i will always care for him because of that. but we live in different worlds, we have different goals, ways to do things, etc. in the end, if it were to come down to that, i could never partner with him. don't get me wrong, he's a friend for life, or he better be. james is someone i could partner with. i am so head over heals in love with him, it's wonderfully rediculouse. i don't even get to see him today and i'm glowing like this. and he won't read this until friday and i know and i'm still posting it, and not going to say anything to him about it, and god oh god do i love him. and he loves me to. and it's just... bliss. i have never been so comforatable with anyone in my life, esp someone i'm involved with. and no, alan hasn't done anything wrong. and no, there is nothing him or the one who came before him or the one who came before that one, etc, could have done about it. it's just the way it is. i am in love, in a way i never thought could be. and it's splendid. and i'm not saying i'm going to spend the rest of my life with him 'cause that's silly 'cause i'm 19. ask me in 5 years, then maybe i'll start to have an idea of the rest of my life. but james is someone i could partner with. he has the same ideas about what a family is and should be. and this poly thing, i am a great supporter of it, but i'm not in it for life. and god oh god am i in support of it for those who it works for. but it's just not something i can see myself doing, getting married and having kids and having a boyfriend and my husband haveing a girlfriend and having them over for high tea. no. and i say this and i know i'm too young to know for sure, but right now i don't see that happening. yes i'm saying i will one day committ but right now i'm 19. i'm supposed to be out having fun, fucking up now 'cause the fuck up later will be 10 times worse. one of my friends was telling me tonight she would like to see me be just with james. "Then why bother with Alan?" because i'm no where near ready to be setteling down. but if i had to choose tomorrow.... i don't like to put it that way. but it's true, it's the easy way to put it. it's not that i don't love alan, i just don't think it's something that will last in this form forever. and i know there will be those of you who understand and those that don't. i jsut felt like i have been lying by not saying this before, sooner. i love alan, alot. i love james like i have never known love before.

i'm poly. i'm not trying to make a decision here. or i'm poly right now. i don't know what will happen in a week, 'cause it's a week from now. that's my point, i think. or it was in the one i posted in polyamory. this is me clearing my head, and making sure i'm keeping honest with myself, and everyone else. i'm in love, with two boys right now. one is going away, the other is not. one holds the lifestyle i could settle down with, the other doesn't. not that i'm at that point for another 5 or 10 years. i was just thinking, out loud, in my journal. is that so hard a concept for you all to grasp? that's all i was trying to say.

there i feel betterworse.

--k
linkReply

Comments:
From: ex_firewalk985
2002-07-17 08:13 pm (UTC)
ok, this is just an opinion, and not fact. Opinions were made to go in one ear and out the other, and only the information you want to hear will stay with you, but I have to say it.

Ok so your 19, do you know how many others have one persona in their lives, not two, and they are 19, and living like a 19 year old should. If you really think about it, your most likley hurting Alan more by saying and meaning you love James more. It hurts to see someone say they love someone else more than they love you, and if he's ok with all of this, then Alan is only in it for one thing, and one thing only, and it isn't the wonderfull arguements you two get into. Now speaking as a trained player, and a true mack daddy, I have to say, James is the one to keep, Alan is the one who's playing you, esp if he knows this stuff. I would just get rid of Alan, and I would be willing to bet your relationship will improve greatly beyond your expatations. but again this is just my experience in love, hate, and being male.
-Dan
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From: chaoticdeep
2002-07-18 07:36 am (UTC)

Now speaking as a trained player, and a true mack daddy

YOU?!?! A trained player?!?!? TRUE Mack Daddy??!?! Oh honey, I knew there was a reason I love you so! You say the funniest shit!
Trust ME when I say, you are NOT a "trained" player, nor a "true" mack daddy. You're not quite mackish enough. You are semi-trained. You are quasi-trained. You are the margarine of players! You are the Diet Coke of players! Just one calorie, not mack daddy enough! ROTFLMAO!!! (I love you. Please still move in with me!)

Kris, you probably got my deleted comment with lots of advice, it just looked too long as a comment. If you want to talk, e-mail me at either work (if before 4:30) or caligo@kaosstar.com (if after 4:30).
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[User Picture]From: m00n
2002-07-18 09:53 am (UTC)
Not that I plan to get involved further here, but was that mockery really necessary? Glad there's someone out there making sure everyone knows their place.
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From: chaoticdeep
2002-07-18 10:02 am (UTC)

Part of the fun of my relationship with my boyfriend is that I can make fun of him...the majority of the mockery was adapted from the Evils on Jerry scene from Austin Powers II.
I don't make sure EVERYONE knows their place, cuz that's not my job...I just pick on my boyfriend when he claims to be a mack daddy...lol.
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[User Picture]From: m00n
2002-07-18 10:04 am (UTC)

Re:

right...
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From: chaoticdeep
2002-07-18 01:57 pm (UTC)
It's all good, he know I'm crazy in love with him...hehe.
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From: ex_firewalk985
2002-07-18 04:41 pm (UTC)
That was an example of Humor, it's what people do in life to make others laugh, maybe your not familar with it, some of us are. We call it busting balls. Now an example of something funny.

How many straight edge kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
4..
One to actually do it, two to talk shit behind his back, the other oneto bitch about how he could have done it better.

See, funny. Geeze.
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[User Picture]From: m00n
2002-07-18 04:55 pm (UTC)

Re:

That was kinda funny :-)
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From: emperorturill
2002-07-18 05:48 pm (UTC)
< amused applause >
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From: ex_firewalk985
2002-07-18 06:21 pm (UTC)
Thank you I will be here all ze week.
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[User Picture]From: eldrad
2002-07-18 10:15 am (UTC)
see reply to gwen's post below
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[User Picture]From: ithych
2002-07-17 08:54 pm (UTC)
I hate to say this darlin', but has it ever occurred to you that maybe you shouldn't express your feelings on livejournal?! Yes, it is your lj, but hon, it's also a public forum and a lot of people can potentially read it. It's one thing to say hurtful things like "I love someone else more than you," it's another thing entirely to PUBLISH THEM ON THE INTERNET. What the fuck are you thinking?
I'm glad that you're thinking about your relationships, but thinking out loud is not necessarily the best way to go about it. Especially when it's personal information that involves the lives of other people. I hope, really HOPE that you have said roughly the same thing to Alan's face, because it'd be pretty awful to read that on lj first.
I mean, I am not saying that I speak for Alan because I don't, but if I were him I would be pissed at you. Not because of the things you said, but because you said them to everyone. If you have figured out how you feel, then that's a good thing, but your message borders on public humiliation.
~G
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[User Picture]From: skryptic
2002-07-18 04:11 am (UTC)
Oh it's quite all right, her over emotionalistic nature has driven her to say and do more then a few things that probably killed a section of her brownie points. This simply will or will not add another person to the list.
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[User Picture]From: eldrad
2002-07-18 09:56 am (UTC)
Kris posted this with the for knolege that it would not hurt me. She knows my phylosophy on human relationships better than pritty much anyone else. I was not hurt in any way by kris's post because I completely believe that relationships (of all kinds not just romantic) are between the two people and the two people only. I do not love my mother less because I love my father. Kris does not love me any less because she loves James more. I know that society has spent a huge effort drilling into us that jealousy and misstrust are what make relationships work, but I don't beleive it. I take joy in the happyness of those I care for, my close friends, my family, my girlfriend. So when I first read this post it made me happy. Don't worry about me getting hurt by Kris being happy or by getting hurt by her publicly stating that she is head over heals inlove. I completely understand that almost anyone but myself would be hurt by the infromation in her post and by the fact that she publicly posted it, but rest asured that Kris knew I would not be hurt by it. (PS If you were me you wouldn't be dating kris and if you were it would be a monogomous relationship) (PSS This reply is a statement of my beliefs not really directed at Gwen, but rather at everyone who doesn't know them and post something that tried to assume what they might be. I just replied to Gwen's post because she's my closest friend of the people who posted).
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[User Picture]From: ithych
2002-07-18 08:30 pm (UTC)
I apologize if I reacted on a false assumption and am glad that you are fine with Kris' post (the act of posting, not the content -- the content is not news to me and isn't really my business anyway). The reason I commented was because I know of several incidences where people were upset over similar posts, written by other people as well as Kris, and I am an advocate of keeping private journals for private matters. If none of the parties concerned mind in this instance, I'm sorry for speaking up at this time. It was out of line for me to lash out before hearing how you felt about the post.
~G
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From: emperorturill
2002-07-17 10:42 pm (UTC)
You have correctly identified the problem. Now the harder step comes: What exactly are you going to do with this information? especially since your posting it in a public place almost ensures that you must take action of some sort.

Note to all: The question itself is entirely rhetorical.

It does somewhat require that you do make a choice. The sooner this choice is made, the sooner the associated issues and problems will begin to be resolved in a manner suitable to everyone. To not make a choice at this stage would prove to be hurtful for at least one person, unless both James and Alan have discussed this with you and are content with your current state of mind on this matter.

As I see it, there are three choices.
1) You continue on as you are right now.
2) You discard one of your boyfriends, either Alan or James.
3) You remove yourself from the dating scene entirely to allow yourself to attain an objective look at what you want to do.

< returns to standing cryptically in the corner >
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[User Picture]From: nchanter
2002-07-18 05:00 am (UTC)

Re:

there is no question in here. this is me getting out my feelings, on livejournal, and apparently causing up a storm in the process.

so be it.
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From: ex_firewalk985
2002-07-18 05:22 am (UTC)
I think the moral of all these replies is you need to shit, or get off the Pot.
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[User Picture]From: eldrad
2002-07-18 10:12 am (UTC)
I think you're right and the replies are wrong.
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[User Picture]From: m00n
2002-07-18 09:51 am (UTC)

monoamory != settling down

You keep expressing monoamory and settling down as if they're same thing and they're not. (see firewalk's post above)
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[User Picture]From: sugary828
2002-07-18 03:08 pm (UTC)
Ok, I think people should probably take into consideration that this is Kris's life and what they believe in may not be the same as them. I also think that people should stop worrying so much about how someone may getting irritated reading an lj, i mean anyone who ends a friendship b/c of that isn't worth having as a friend to begin with (trust me i know). Oh, and Kris, I remember seeing you and James together when we played pool over winter break, yea yea forever ago and a lot of stuff has happened since BUT you two were obviously in love and still aren't, don't lose that. And I know you care about Alan and love him too... so basically I'm rambling, but overall I'm just saying that I think Kris is right.
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From: ex_firewalk985
2002-07-18 04:31 pm (UTC)

...And on the flip side

Ok, first off. Not only am I not getting pissed off, or disgruntled over this, But I actually don't care what people think of what I say. I mearly say it as my opinion. As a friend of Kris, and someone who barely knows Alan and James, I just feel that I should post my thoughts on the subject since I was in a 6 year relationship, which became a husband and wife situation, which then in turn, went through Divorce, and now I'm moving in with a girlfriend whom I will most likley end up marrying. ( see chaoticdeep )

I don't go by the rules of society, I go by what the heart says. If my mom ever said to me, I love your brother more than I love you, I would be devistaed. If my girlfriend ever said, I love statik more than I love you, Statik would be wearing cement shoes at the bottom of the Charles, right off the Longfellow, on a Sunday night with an axe burried through his skull (Naa I don't plan in advance) but like 95% of the people out there, I have feelings, they would get hurt, I never supported the whole Poly thing, I guess I see it as cheating, or being greedy.

As for all of us makeing comments, if you don't like them, I would susgest making the post private, and not telling us. I learned this a long time ago, if I want everyone to say something, I'll make it public, if I want my friends to read it, I let only them read it, and well, you get the point.

I think, instead of getting pissed at all of us for giving you our ideas, and our feedback, you should be atleast a little thankfull, because otherwise, we might just say "Fuck it, that's how Kris just is, and she'll work it out eventually" when you really want our input.

We know how Alan feels, but how about James, does he share the same ideas as Alan? Just because one is cool with it, does not really mean the other is too. I could be wrong, and I bet someone will come out of the woodwork to prove me so.

This has been a Kaos Ideaistic update, return to your lives, for your own sake.
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From: chaoticdeep
2002-07-18 05:18 pm (UTC)

And a disagreement from the above-mentioned girlfriend...

"Here's my ten cents, my two cents is free, a nuisence, who sent, you sent for me?"

sorry, honey, but that popped in my head...

Honestly, Kris has every right to live whatever life style she pleases. If both boys are happy with the situation and not complaining then we all shouldn't. It doesn't matter whether or not you agree or approve unless you're one of the people involved with her.
The poly life is not at all like the first impression you might have, it's not at all like "swinging". from what I've seen, it's about letting go of jealousy and being ok with someone you love loving someone else. One of the most stable relationships I've ever seen is that of my friend from high school and his girlfriend (see livejournal for Catling. yes, I'm too lazy to write the html) and she is VERY poly (on a side note: it was Catling's party that I met Sara W) and at the same time very 'I'm settled down for the rest of my life" in love with him. And it's also not necessarily about sex either. It's more about intimacy. I can't explain it any better though because, I've never actually practiced it because in all honesty, I'm rather monogamous.

If Kris and everyone she's involved with it is ok, then so be it.

However, Kris, especially when dealing with some of the people you know, understand they will react in this manner and give their opinion, whether you like it or not. just because it's them. And honestly, whenever there's a public post of this nature, I too assume advice is needed. Perhaps you should make a blanket statement that unless you ask for it, advice is unnecessary? I dunno. Up to you.

Love ya!
Lady ChAoS
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[User Picture]From: eldrad
2002-07-19 09:47 am (UTC)

Re: And a disagreement from the above-mentioned girlfriend...

I beleive that Kris was upset about some of the assumtions her friends made about her, not the fact that they stated their opinions and advise.
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[User Picture]From: nchanter
2002-07-19 10:34 am (UTC)

Re: And a disagreement from the above-mentioned girlfriend...

thank you love. you put it better than i could have.
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[User Picture]From: opeth
2002-07-24 08:34 am (UTC)
Right, so, I've been busy, but I have been following this. Was away for a bit in there, and I am only online at work, not the best time for a long reply.
So, saying, I had thought about posting here, but it was more recently requested, and so I shall.

People posting to Kris giving help, or opinions, fine. People critisizing her post, it will happen if it contains her beleifs, which she does, and they are in any way contraversial.

My first reaction to this was "my god, I can't beleive she posted this on Livejournal" not because I was appalled, but because I knew what kind of hornets nest it could bring up. I was also more than slightly worried about Alan's reaction.

However, I have no problem with it, and neither does Alan (as per his above post.) This post talks about no one but Kris, Alan, and I.
My only problem with this post was what Alan might think. Knowing the number of battles that break out with posts like this, I was also worried slightly about a flame war. Past those two concerns, who cares? Obviously, it means a lot to me personally to see this posted so publicly, but unless anyone has a problem with me (which is a whole different matter entirely) nobody should be getting worked up about this.

Just random interjection--I have gone to Central Square, knocked on Alan's door, gone in, talked with Alan and Kris briefly, then left with Kris. Unless there is something I don't know, we have nothing against each other.
Alan doesn't mind the post, I don't mind the post, it's that simple, no reason for a conflict.

I know this is disjointed, but I'm doing other things as well. In any case, for myself, I beleive flame wars are a waste of time, even usually if I beleive about them strongly. This one, of course, is closer to home and my input was requested.


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