Nchanter (nchanter) wrote,


i feel like it ended badly, so i want to talk to him. i see his screename on my buddylist, under the group header labled external and i'm like "shit, i really should have removed that..." but i didn't think of it at the time. i also realize that in some ways, he's in the wrong group.

my buddy list is devided into five categorys. in order, Soul, Heart, Head, External, and Family, the last just grouping those persons biologically related to me so i don't have to pretend that i like any of the one's i don't... so i can pretend that i don't pass judgement, and just accept, as traditions have tought me that i should do.

Soul includes people like James and Alan, Fang, Gwen, people that affect me at the core of my being, that i would sacrifice for, that i have put above myslef. my closest friends. Heart is people a step down from there, people who i was once close with and now have drifted, people that still affect me alot, close friends, etc. people like aprotim and sam. Head is where most people go. there are 53 sn's in Head, vs the under 30 in Soul and Heart combined. Exterior is for people i dislike, or wish i disliked, or are dissasociated with, people like toby (yes i still like to know when he comes online) and vic. laura too. and Rapists go in Exterior. Somehow, knowing when they come online ('because they have been known to IM me at 2am in drunken stupors) gives me a sense of... i dunno.... i just still keep their IM's on my buddy list. 116 names in total. but i digress...

he really shouldn't be under external. i mean he should, 'cause he's damaged me more than the would-be rapist did, but he still affects me in ways that i really shouldn't let him. and for years i kept on letting him inside, hopeing thing would change, that the drug abuse would stop, that he would let himself be open to me again, like he once had been many years ago. and this is wishful thinking, destructive thinking. these are thoughts that i know will never be.

it's my own damend fault too. i tell him about the new bed, he asks if he can stay over some night, and i say "yes" in a moment of feeling lonely. i mean, when whatever day for the date approaches i think of a new excuse as to why i should stand him up, and i do. i've been standing him up for dates for about 6 months now. he hasn't ever seen the apartment, and i'm quite glad that my moments of weekness seem to be getting fewer and more far between.

his away message is up, and i rember that christina said he would call me the next day. he didn't. it's been like a week or so, and i am still dwelling, thinking, not sure. wondering if i'm letting him get away again. then i rember "this is what you wanted, rember, you LET statik answer the phone. you practically begged him too. you egged him and dan ON..."

it's not that easy. i fucked up with him a long long time ago and i've been kicking myself for it for the past four years. and finally i find something that compairs, surpasses, and i think i can let go and i can't. i don't know why i let him have souch a hold on my soul. maybe 'cause i feel in love with him the minute his baby blue eyes met mine, and as we played footsy under the table when i was supposed to be comforting the guy who introduced us and his other best friend was pineing over me, i knew that there was something different, something special. and he told me he loved me as the sun rose the next morning and we were falling asleep on someone else's couch and i told him he couldn't love me he didn't know me at all and i knew that was a lie the moment the words past through my lips, but i didn't let on, and didn't give him my number and didn't get his. i was very very sceptical for very good reasons. but none of them had to do with him, or his kiss, or the way that for the first time in over a year when someone held me i felt safe vs feeling like they were going to violate me. i had stumbled upon something wonderful, and something great, something so beautiful and rare.

but that thing is dead now and we are both trying to grasp onto it, live in the past, regain the past. but we both did things and let it slip by and victor, i'm sorry to be the one to tell you this but it's dead. i'm sorry it's dead but i need to move on now, and i don't know if i can do that with you in my life....

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