||[Oct. 6th, 2002|05:30 pm]
I now rue the day that I let Shawn into my life. somehow, he got me to open myself up, to realize what I was capable of, that I could connect with people. for the first 18 years of my life I got trampled on by people and just resigned myself to that cycle, making friends, having them turn their backs one you, and the only ones who stuck around were the ones you didn't let see inside. and somehow, he made me evaluate those friendships, discard them, and form real bonds. he also made me realized, wether he meant to or not, that career wasn't the only important thing in life. I had set up this mind set, that I didn't really need anybody if I could throw myself into a line of work where the people tended to SUCK and I was too bogged down with work to have real connections anyway. theatre. stage management. it fit perfectly. and it gave me focus, direction.
the past year now I've been questioning that focus, direction. from like the minute I met him I had the first doubts that that's what I wanted to do with my life, except until now I didn't realize that the two events coincided or had any real barring on each other. now I do. and I find myself lost. I find myself more concerned with health and happiness than doing what I need to do to do that, and I find myself knowing that I don't want to do it. my passion for theatre has died. I now have new passions. passions for life. passions for love, passions for respecting myself
falling in love, really falling in love, just intensified this effect. I now have these stupid domestic urges, and urges to make a safe space for myself. I have these urges to plant roots, vs running all the time when I think I'm getting myself in too deep. I don't' run so much anymore. and as I let fewer people into my life, I let more people into myself. there are now people that have glimpses inside the inner chambers, the sorrow and hurt that reside there, the fire that longs for direction, and the ice that has melted away into this latest bit of crying binges.
I see people's faults now, not just their strengths. and as much as the spark of all this has his faults, and sometimes I want to shoot him in the head and tell him to go to hell for turning my life upside down, I stay by his side 'cause I know, I slowly grow to know, how much he has done for me. and critics of his think that's absolute bullshit. hell, sometimes I think that's absolute bullshit.
I'm still walking on this path that I carved out for myself for my entire life. I need to find a new one, as I am not the person that this path was carved out for. this path I am trying to walk is a path for one, which is why I seem to have so many problems bringing people with me as I walk down on it.
::picks up a machete:: I think I'm going to start my new path... here.