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i have this habit, this cycle, of male best friends. somehow we end… - The Mad Ramblings of Nchanter [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Nchanter

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[Oct. 11th, 2002|12:17 am]
Nchanter
[emotional state |crushedcrushed]

i have this habit, this cycle, of male best friends. somehow we end up parting ways at the worst of times. at first they are wonderful, they help me through a stage in my life, and i help them with girl problems. and of course, in a typical guy way they start to pick on me. and i take it. i've taken it all my life so it's like "ok, whatever." and it gets worse. and it gets abousive. this time it never got physically abusive. i'm making steps up in the world. it starts to get hard, and i ask them to stop, and they either say they will or they won't, but mostly they don't think they've done anything wrong. so they dont' change. and even when they see the hurt, the manifestation, the "don't fuckin' touch me" they don't heed. they don't stop. they obviousely don't care. i'm there for what they can use me for. when i fuffil that useage, they discard me. i'm never paying for anyone to eat dinner out when they can't swing it again.

part of me has just been ripped apart, and shot. "and then he'll go to work on you" this hurts. but there comes apoint when you have to stand up for yourself, when you reallize that it's just hurting too much. i did something i never ever ever thought i would do. could do. i kinda want to take it back, but i can't. if i do i will continue to be walked on my entire life.

"ok, it was nice knowing you, goobye."

fuck you too.... fuck you too....




.... i'm glad i mattered. matter. i'm glad i meant something. i'm glad i mean something.



i've been fucking hurting, falling apart, and all you can do is make a fuckin' joke out of it

yes, i'm crying. it's the hormones.


fuck you too.
linkReply

Comments:
From: ex_firewalk985
2002-10-10 09:35 pm (UTC)
well I see the sins are doing their usual work. Kris, your right you do have to stick up for yourself, I have the same problem I give in way too fast and people know it. If they're pissing you off, tell them to knock it off, getting all bent out of shape on LJ is not the way to go. and if you show it phases you they'll keep doing it, how do I know, because I'm one of them. Take a stand, you'll get called a bitch and all that shit, but that's to be expected. Stop trying to be what you think people want you to be and be yourself, you'll find out who your real friends are.
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[User Picture]From: justjessi
2002-10-10 11:48 pm (UTC)
fuck me too.

i'm sorry! everyone who's read that feels bad but no one comments anything cus no one knows what to say. but i just want you to know
that i'm sorry,
that not everyone will treat you like that, and please don't let people treat you like that because you're wonderful and you don't need crap like that in your life,
and that i want you to feel better.


so there.
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[User Picture]From: herbie
2002-10-10 11:56 pm (UTC)
I hope I (am/was) not part of the trend... if I was, I'm sorry.

I know how you feel - I've been there - both sides. It's sad that people relate to each other so much through abuse... some people just don't make an effort not to. I know I do -- many a time I fail, but I try. If ever my ribbing is too onoxious, tell me frankly, and I will stop.

I'm sorry you were hurt. I'm sorry you were trod upon. If you need somebody to talk to, you know I'm here - though here is hundreds of miles away. Drop me a line.
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[User Picture]From: nchanter
2002-10-11 07:39 am (UTC)

Re:

it was said last night how people come and go but the real ones would be there forever. you were named amungst the real ones.

though if you want to get more generalized they either are abusive or fall in love with me at some point...
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From: ex_firewalk985
2002-10-11 01:11 am (UTC)
Kris, Tomorrow in the afternoon I'm going to come over and get Statik and Fangs stuff out of your truck, I have the jeep so it's all good and I have to be on the road anyway. Give me a call around 1:00 since I'll most likley be in the area around 2:00
-dan
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[User Picture]From: skryptic
2002-10-11 01:15 am (UTC)
you know... we've asked you many many times if you wanted us to stop or cut back. you never stated you did. You never said it bothered you. When you left Statik had just spent about 20 minutes of concern trying to figure out what was wrong. Maybe instead of bottling it up you should have told us. Maybe you should've done this months ago.

As for the "nice knowing you" all you had to do was drop off our stuff. I wouldn't have stopped you from leaving us there again. I wouldn't even have protested. And it's not so much my shit I'm worried about. Statik's books for school and his car keys are in your possession. Congratulations you have your revenge for something we do to everyone that you never told us was wrong for you.

I saw it coming from the moment we pulled in and you didn't put the car right into park. That's why I tried for the key. Your motives were transparent from the start... I just wanted to see what you'd do. And in a way I'm proud of you... but it was the wrong way to take your stand. You took your stand by fleeing and severing when you should have made your case. All you did was answer your flight or fight with flight. Maybe you feel we were walking on you and that you've done good for yourself by running. You didn't. You would have done good to challenge us and be as hard core as you always seemed to strive for... and for that I'm dissapointed. I always hoped this day would come... and I always hoped that you'd stand and face. Maybe I expect to much from people. But I didn't expect anything you didn't have the potential to reach.

Good luck with everything. I hope you take what you learned and some day put it to good use.
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[User Picture]From: nchanter
2002-10-11 07:54 am (UTC)

Re:

i have told you a number of times it bothers me. i have told you time and time again that i can take it to a point, and then it starts to hurt. and you two always can tell when it starts to hurt. and you don't stop. i wasn't coming back that way 'cause i ended up not going home last night.

an appology or a show of concern for something other than your stuff would have brought me right back. i would have paid the bill. i would have driven you guys back home. just a little show of concern or worry or something. i told you both i wasn't feeling well. you both know i've been really imbalanced. and you knew this was going to happen and you pushed those buttons anyways. and i stood. i didn't fly, i made a stand, that i wasn't going to take it. at first i didn't go very far. but the longer it got, the longer it took...

and don't think this idea popped into my head last night sugar.

i told both of you that you two are both much more assholes when your togeather. and that really was what was bothering me. i wanted to hang out with you, not you and statik, but you. no one told me he would be stopping by. why did i want to hang out with you and not you and him, 'cause your 20x the asshole when your around him, atleast latlely. normally it's 10x the asshole and i can deal with that.

as for statik's keys and school books being in the car, um, someone could have TOLD me that. you know? you could have said something other than "are we getting out stuff back" i'm not a hearless bitch. it just never occured to me that he wouldn't have kept his keys ON him. it really didn't occur that your guys's stuff was in my car. no one told me anything important was in there. also, if statik was so concerned he could have talked to me too.

my plan wasn't to end this. you've been yelling about me growing a spine and i grew one. everyone else seems to see that but you. a few of my friends have said that they think you will like me better this way, if you get over your pride. these are not the friends that you think are stupid, or morons, or whatever, james didn't even say that. these are people that you respect, or at the very least can stand being in the same car with for hours.

so i'm willing to work it out. are you?
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[User Picture]From: skryptic
2002-10-11 10:08 pm (UTC)
well this is kinda dead but you made some points I still feal the need to reply to.

We established that you never efectively communicated that our goofing around was seriously damaging you unless we were knocking on your door. In which case your objection is over-ruled.

Concern? You expected us to show concern or worry? When someone stabs me in the back I don't check to see if they hurt their wrist. I estimate my situation and see how bad the wound is.

As for taking a stand. Driving away because you're angry isn't taking a stand. It's running.

I know it didn't pop in last night.

I called you before you came and warned you he was there.

you didn't grow a spine I don't care what anyone else says. wanna know what a spine is? a spine is when someone holds a gun in your face you stand there and play ring around the rosey for 10 mins until you can walk calmly away. Having a spine is having about 25 people outside of your house wanting to beat the shit out of you for something you did to their friend and walking right out your front door to talk to them. Having a spine is not getting in a car and leaving when the going gets tough. It is not coming back all bent out of shape over the consequences of your decision. That is not a spine. Anyone who told you otherwise is either confused or just hasn't seen one in a while.

My pride has nothing to do with my decisions. Pride is an emotion. They don't run my decisions. It's not about me being superior. It's about protecting my own ass. It's about making sure the next time you decide to "grow a spine" it doesn't involve us being on the cape or some other obscure location. I don't give second chances. Everyone knows this. You fuck me or one of mine over and I don't ever plan on dealing with you again. You persue for a second attempt at a strike and I'll crush you. The first ones always free though. I can't be your friend. I can't be friends with someone I no longer trust. Do you really think I'll ever get into a car with you again after this? And what about if you and Statik both want to hang out on the same day? Who do you think I'll choose? Do you really think I'm gonna tell you anything that's going on now? In your one fluid motion of "growing a spine" or as I like to phrase as a stun and run you've undone ever bit of trust and a good amount of respect I had for you. Do you have any idea how many times you got hacked on when not around? Everyone would talk and my one justification was always "She's loyal and that's all that matters." And you took that and threw it out the window. I'm sorry if you didn't intend to do this but you did and there are consequences that must be paid for every action. You lost many friends in this one motion. Granted I have no issue being an aquaintence but don't be suprised when I treat you like one. And if you think that over time this friendship will rebuild... don't forget who I am and waste your hopes. I'm not trying to be mean. Although many will see it that way. I'm just telling you the facts as they equate in my head. So to answer your final question. No. But I'm willing to move on.

Hope that clarifies the stand point I'm in here.
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[User Picture]From: opeth
2002-10-12 10:02 pm (UTC)
You really need to realize that often, the hardest thing to do is just walk away. Especially from a best friend. What would you think her growing a spine would have entailed? Coming back to you two and wining that she was hurt? That's what I would have done (although I wouldn't see it as wining . . .)
What Kris did took one fuckload of nerve. I would never do that to anyone, no matter how much I hated them. I disagree with doing it, but it took one hell of a spine. It just sucks that you had to take the brunt of it.

As for your reply to Tova's post, that's makes another message you've ignored any and all substance contained thereof.

Oh, yeah, your pride doesn't rule you one bit you've got one hell of a spine. That's why you spend so much time insulting other people, like Tova. That's why you have the arrogance to assume that you can teach anyone anything. Grow up and stop bragging about your spine, and actually pay attention to what's important in life. Because it's sure as hell not being badass.
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[User Picture]From: solange
2002-10-15 09:15 pm (UTC)
Jeez, Fang. For someone who enjoys a good old fashioned game of Ring-Around-the-Roseys at gun point, you sure are hard on us Camptown Races lovin' folks.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go rehearse rocky with my rock collection. The ammonite fossil's floor show *really* needs work. Tsk, tsk.
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[User Picture]From: solange
2002-10-11 09:24 pm (UTC)
"I'm proud of you... but it was the wrong way to take your stand. You took your stand by fleeing and severing when you should have made your case. All you did was answer your flight or fight with flight. Maybe you feel we were walking on you and that you've done good for yourself by running. You didn't. You would have done good to challenge us and be as hard core as you always seemed to strive for... and for that I'm dissapointed. I always hoped this day would come... and I always hoped that you'd stand and face. Maybe I expect to much from people. But I didn't expect anything you didn't have the potential to reach.

"Good luck with everything. I hope you take what you learned and some day put it to good use."

Fang. It seems as though you thought of your relationship with Kris as a teacher/student relationship, with you instructing her in the arts of being hard core and independent. Did she ever ask you for such instruction, or indicate that she wanted it?

I think it's disrespectful to try to force people to learn things, and it can really damage a friendship. Imagine that we were friends, and I decided it would be really good for you to learn to play cello, whether you wanted to or not. Imagine that I turned all of our interactions, all of our conversations, into cello lessons. Imagine then that you got wise to the fact that I was manipulating you, and you discontinued our friendship, and that as you left, instead of apologizing I said, "I knew this day would come, but I was hoping you'd find a way of channeling your frustrations into your music. I hope you take what you learned about the cello and put it to good use, someday." I would have been disrespecting you, by assuming that I knew what was best for you, that you required instruction, and that I was the one to give it to you. I might have done better, in this scenario, to think of you as an equal, and to have interactions with you in which we both shared knowledge with each other and both supported each other. We might have gotten to know each other better, and had real, adult interactions, and a more fulfilling relationship for both of us.

I think it's particularly ironic that you seem to think it's your job to force Kris to have a backbone, to be independent. It's like, "I've decided that you have to make all your own decisions. If you don't like it, that's too bad, because that's what I've decided." People have to chose their own independence, or else its not real, rather its an artificial, backward kind of independence, motivated by fear rather than by inner strength. You say "I'm proud of you... but it was the wrong way to take your stand." I think walking away from a person who's hurting you, rather than continuing to interact with them and be hurt, is a perfectly legitimate, sensible choice. The way I read your objection is, "I've decided to force you to make your own decisions. But they have to be decisions I approve of." Basically, your instruction backfired. You forced her to declare her independence, but she did it in a way you didn't like. But that's the way independence works; independent people don't always do what you want them to.

It seems like you chose to intentionally hurt Kris in order to build her character. This kind of behavior comes with the unfortunate implication that you didn't think much of her character to begin with, that you saw her as a broken person in need of your repairs. This is a disdainful way to think of someone you're supposedly friends with. I also really question your methods. I don't believe in the "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" philosophy. Maybe it works for some people, but I'm skeptical of that, and I know for a fact that it doesn't work for many. I've found that unpleasant experiences and cruel people make me more neurotic, weaker. They make every kind of hardship harder, they drain my ability to cope. Kind, supportive people and happy experiences have the opposite effect. They make me feel strong enough to face the world and make difficult decisions, on my own when necessary. If it's the same way for Kris, then by trying to force her to get a backbone (which I actually believe she already had), you made it more difficult for her to be her own person.
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[User Picture]From: skryptic
2002-10-11 09:45 pm (UTC)
there's one major flaw in every you've said from square one. I can't possibly imagine us as friends. You'r a retard who thinks to the tune of campdown racetracks and rehearses your rocky parts in an otherwise designated social gathering. You freak out when someone picks up a rock you put on the ground and you go hunting frantically like it's your life blood. Then when they replace it you act like you saw a dead man speak. I could never be friends with you. I have nothing to gain from being friends with you besides brain trauma. I have nothing to offer you except the name of a good psychologist. Keep your opinions to yourself about things you don't know about. Thank you for your time.

Fang - "not to be confused with the disease cancer.
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From: ex_firewalk985
2002-10-12 10:32 pm (UTC)
Ok, though this will drop my points in Cool Book, I've been thinking this for a while. You do know a lot, I'll give you that, but dude I don't know if you understand true human feelings. You claim Mary is like a robot, and Kris is touchy, and that all thesse people are leaving in bad situations, did you, Statik, or even myself ever once considered other peoples emotions and the things that make them up? Sure Kris never seriously said anything to the three of us, but ever think we intimidated her a bit? Emotions man, emotions. Learn em. People have em, they can sway one way or another, us on the humanitarian side have em, hell we have an over abundance of em, hence the things we do.

All I'm asking is that you and Statik BOTh try to understand human emotions. I'm not saying what Kris did was right, but I do know why she did it, again, not right, but I undersntand it. Just because you have and understand emotions, doesn't make you less of a badass it makes you even more dangerous ;)

To sum up:
Statik = Emotions
Fang = Emotions
Kris = Control Emotions
The Human = Sure, it's all chemical, but why?
Midgets = Funny and have Emotions
Monkeys = Emotions, and the ever funny flinging of poo
Robots = C:\ RUN NO EMOTIONS.EXE!

Thanks for playing, see ya on the flip.
[K]Aos
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