||[Oct. 15th, 2002|08:06 pm]
i see toby online and i want to talk to him. to call him an asshole or something. or to say hi i understand. or to tell him i'm over it finally 'cause it's happening with someone else. while all of these are true none of them are true. i dunno. i don't know why i care. i don't feel empty anymore. maybe it's 'cause alan's here. maybe 'cause shawn was right and i need both of them. well i can't have both of them all the time so i'm dealing with that and not freaking out and ending up with neither.
i really should get him off my buddy list, toby, not shawn. i don't hate shawn. i don't actually know if i hate toby 'cause really, it's been a long time, and hate doesn't hold that long, i've even forgiven the ex who got me kicked out of school, so why can't i forgive him? 'cause we weren't involved? 'cuase there wasn't supposed to be so much emotion to begin with to fuel the nastyness that went on?
i keep on compairing shawn to toby but they are two totally different things. toby and i kept on pushing eachother, and i pushed toby away. shawn pushed me and i walked away. there are differences.
people keep on asking if i'm going to be friends with shawn. shawn says that he'll never beable to trust me again, so be it. i don't hate him. this didn't end well but this could have ended much much worse. and mine and his interactions aren't over, we just, he's not my best friend anymore. and i think i'm ok with that.
a few people have said give it time and he'll come around. at first i was thinking if i just kinda stick around maybe he'll let his guard down long enough when he's not paying attention to let me back in. but i realized that isn't going to work, or rather, why put in the efort if, in all likelyness, that will just push him farther away.
i am fiercely fiercely loyal. if toby called me today needing a shoulder to cry on i'd get in my car and speed over to wherever he was and be there. i am a putz probably, but that's just how i am. i am a very good crisis friend. gwen once said that when everyone else is falling through is the one time she was 100% sure i was there for her. i'm good to go to when there is no one else. hell, that was the entire basis of mine and iris's relationship: there was no one else, for either of us.
so if something inside shawn realizes he misses me, misses us, he can still call me up at 1 am and i'll drive out there just to drive around and do nothing, bitch about women, and pick apart the reasons as to why i'm way too fucking emotional for my own good
and if it doesn't happen... it doesn't happen.
i'm ok. alot faster than anyone thought i would be. i'm growing up, learning how to move on, and rembering that in the end, when the final battle is fought, i can count on no one but myself. i will likely have others by my side, and that will be nice, but i won't expect to see anyone but myself.
but i will arise victoriouse...