NchanterX, in case you were wondering....
oh, and as james and coureton have gone to bed, there is just nothing left for me online. so now i go sulk in my room. or do work.
i dunno. it's weird. i mean, this wasn't a big fight, for me and my mom. the downstairs neighboors didn't even bang on the cealing for my screming at her, though pam got bitchy at me for being loud on my phone. told me to go to my room. but that's besides the point. the point? well, i am still breaking out into little bursts of tears. i mean, god, this was like, 5 or 6 hours ago at this point. and it's not like when i was young, where she could actually DO anything to me, like try and keep me from going out, grounding me, or hitting me, as her mood would determine. i think with thanksgiving so close, and aunt elaine gone, and having to spend another thanksgiving at the country club, where the food kinda sucks... and this depression thing, and me possibly failing classes 'cause i really don't have it togeather at all. at all. i pretend i do. i act like i do. i don't even have time to try and call my therapist to start seeing her again.
i think this moving thing will be good for me. i've had alot go on in the past few months that has been mostly internal, but the external factors have weighed in and having a new living space so i can cleanse the internal space will be good. and i'm going to do the moving thing RIGHT this time. and i get a TV, finally, after not living with one for 4 years. i mean, i don't want to glue myself to the thing, and i'm still going to be an NPR junkie 'cause i'm not having a TV in my bedroom, that would just be scary. and i don't want my brain to rot more than it already is, but god damn it i want to watch the west wing! hmmm... i wonder if we get HBO....
i'm wondering what happens if i actually let myself fail something this semester. or rather, if it just happens. i mean, will my world really come crashing down? i don't think all the grades are going to be what the shoudl have been. but this time around, if my scramble to pick up the pieces dosn't work, and i'm not just kicked out of school, maybe i will learn. i think i have. i dunno. maybe not. if i really have learned the scramble will have worked. should i tell my parents that i've been drownding more than i let on and i think i might be failing? do i admit that i might need help, that i'm not all that independent, or that i really don't think i'm cut out for this scholorly stuff. i need to be DOING something. writing 10 page papers on "whatever you want" is not doing something. i did that. god it went through my head to just, you know, bs my intermediate steps and turn that in. i'm really now wondering why i didn't. oh yea, i mentioned that paper once or twice in class, and i'm not risking it. but i think i should have taken the risk. i have no idea what i'm doing here. i feel like i've stupified. i feel like i'm gonna drown.
"sometimes i feel i'm going to drown/ 'cause everyone around's so hollow/ i'm alone"
i know i know, coureton i told you i was going to bed in a minute, but this needed to get out. maybe bit by bit i will let it come out again, pouring, like over a damn just at the onset of flood season, first a trikle, graduallly increasing, until a steady stream begins to flow, and it all becomes white noise that is calming, cooling, and invigurating.