May 29th, 2001



went to a jam in Cambridge...
I was so intimidated, by these people, who like, MOVE and are comfortable.

I'm comfortable with my body. I'm just not comfortable moving. I'm not comfortable moving around strangers....

I'm being reminiscent with Gwen... sigh...

"there are caravans we follow
drunken nights in dark hotels
when chances breathe between the silence
where sex and love no longer meld"

it's the loss of love I mourn in these reminiscent....

there are people I miss, I miss badly, who I want to apologize to and heal old wounds, and pour my soul into. they are all closed. the wounds are closed, and infected. I want to make them well again.

I use to be a healer, funny as that may seem to some of you. I use to be the one who everyone came to and was the shoulder always soaked with tears. I was the one to dish out the USEFUL advice. I use to know the sorrows that plagued my peers.

then I snapped, causing chaos and despair. I hurt a lot of people in the process. I also became unstable for a very long time. I think I've stabled out. I'm not the person who had the damp and salty shoulder, but I'm not the scared, twisted, flirty little girl who started Cambridge school 3 years ago. I'm not the same girl who was so naive about people having ill intentions. I'm also not the same person who started out this school year. I'm more reserved. I'm almost becoming shy again. I can't stand groups and am avoiding confrontations...

I think some of the people who I infected would find me to be quite different now, and maybe even quite nice.

I'm not comfortable as a mover, but my soul is, for the moment, at peace.
  • Current Music
    aphex twin - on