March 2nd, 2002

sad

throw my heart in a steel box, lock it, throw away the key, and oh, weld it shut.

i hate how people are ruled by other's emotions. or other people's potentential emotions. or the fear of negativity. i hate how i am therefore affected by it.

i hate that now i'm not going to have the chance to do something i normally don't have the guts to do, 'cause of other people not directly in the situation. i have the chance at something that could actually work, be based in something other than sex....

i am mad. i am sad.

::bursts into tears again::

i should stop before i get enraged again, and i do/type something i will regret....
  • Current Music
    Nine Inch Nails - Gone, Still
sad

(no subject)

i just worked in the theatre for a few hours. i don't want to wash the lighting grease off. i am going back in there at latest 10pm again and doing more work. i'm supposed to go to dinner with jorge. i don't know if i want to anymore.

i am going to type out everything that's on my mind. brace yourselves.

talked to james last night. i was upset so i called him. stupid stupid stupid krissy. i was upset 'cause i was feeling torn about jorge. see, i really like him. i told statik the other night and of cource he runs and tells jorge. so that means i have to aknowledge it. now i don't just like him like i usually like people, i love talking to him. i'm not all like, "hey, he's cute, i think i feel something (attraction) and i want to go for it and play for a while and then, well ditch" no. i like jorge like in a way that i don't want him to know. he's a really chill cat and it's like the type of thing i fuck up. so i'm content to being his friend, esp once the kelly thing happened. i don't steal interests from my friends. i really try not to, 'cause that's just... no.... that was my whole reservation about the james thing in the beginning, i was friends with laura first. anyways... so yea. so i call james for comfort and also i had been reading this story and there was something in there that reminded me of what i had, kinda still do but am trying to block out, feel for him. so i missed him. so i called 'cause i really wanted to talk to him. he was stoned. then he goes off on something about how he never got why i reffered to him as my boyfriend, that is was more just like us hanging out (and talking to eachother all the time, and feeling a really really deep connection, and me staying over in his dorm room) and he never got that but then he goes off on how much he cares about me and loves me, and then he goes off on this monogomy is not nessisarily the be all and end all, and i was like, um... yea, i know. that's not what i asked of you... and then he compairs me to tova or something, and the whole while it's just compounding and tears are streaming down my face and then i'm like, "ok, i'm going to go" and i heard maybe half of what he said and i rember less. and then i got mad. i don't like being upset, so i felt rage.

this morning i decided to talk to jorge about how jen said that kelly would go ballistic if i told her that i really liked jorge, and that he liked me back, and we were thinking about getting involved, and he's all like "well i don't want to hurt anyone" and i'm like "well neither do i but i'm sick of my life being run by other people's emotions but it's your call" and after a while he decided that we should probably just be friends, and i told him i was fine with that, and i was, except i found myself feeling alot more hurt by that than i thought i was going to be. i mean, i knew i liked him, i just didn't realize that it was going to affect me. so i'm really really hurt by alot of things right now. and my normal doubts about alan and i are popping back up into my head, which always sucks. not to mentioned all the stuff like schoo, dance concert, and being out of here in under 2 weeks that is overwhelming. so i'm all not really ok right now, and i'm really pissed off, and um... yea.

on an up note, i have the key to my very frist apartment. go me.