May 16th, 2002

sad

(no subject)

i'm at dan aka kaos's. i don't know why i am awake. i will kick myself in the morning. aj thinks i should call in dead. i'm inclined to agree with him. i'm bad at this responsibility thing if i'm not enjoying myself. i'm not enjoying myself, and i don't think i can handle the hours right now. i don't know what to do.

i don't know why i like it over here. maybe 'cause i sit around and do nothing in the company of others. i don't feel pressured to be in cute little black outfits trying desperately to match my male best friend, and failing, and retain every car-talk that is mentioned and know about guns too. though this knowledge has come in useful. there is theatre-ish talk and sitting around smoking and it's all happy. well not happy, but content. yea, i'm content over here. he he. that seems silly. i should REALLY go home and go to bed.

i think aj is right that i should call in dead. fuck.
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sad

(no subject)

so i suck. like alot. i slept through most of work today. didn't know it. i'm doing that thing i did in highschool. it's not worth my time, so my body is like "fuck this, i want to sleep, and not hurt, and so on and so forth." i'm really upset with myself, yet on another lever i just don't care. and i don't. and that's the problem. what really worries me is if i do this with emerson. this is why i told my parents that i didn't want to go to school right away. i need to figure this type of shit out. like i rembered the other day. i HATE school. i hate doing anything i'm not getting anything out of. maybe i'll get something out of emerson, i don't know. but when it stops being rewarding my body and brain and subconciouse are all like "ok, we're just not going to do this." bagh. you know, i would have been much better off if i had stayed in public school. i would have learned how to deal with this, instead of being told that i'm a beautiful and unique snowflake, and i am worth more than the imposisions that a capotalistic society puts on us. because i'm not. i'm the same decaying organic matter as everything else, and i'm not above the BS everyone else is. i'm 19. this isn't going to get anybetter. fuck. you know, i might just be turning back into a goth.
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