July 17th, 2002


(no subject)

alot of times i'm afraid to put all of my feelings in here.

i have two boyfriends. i love them both. i have tried not to designate a primary and a secondary, though there have been times when i have. and it has flip/floped. but alan's going away and we are doing a LDR so that kinda defaults james into the primary slot. but once i started thinking about it... once i let myself start thinking about it, there wasn't any question in my mind that he is my primary. i kinda feel like i've been lying to alan. but i haven't. i love him, a lot. he's one of my saving graces, and i will always care for him because of that. but we live in different worlds, we have different goals, ways to do things, etc. in the end, if it were to come down to that, i could never partner with him. don't get me wrong, he's a friend for life, or he better be. james is someone i could partner with. i am so head over heals in love with him, it's wonderfully rediculouse. i don't even get to see him today and i'm glowing like this. and he won't read this until friday and i know and i'm still posting it, and not going to say anything to him about it, and god oh god do i love him. and he loves me to. and it's just... bliss. i have never been so comforatable with anyone in my life, esp someone i'm involved with. and no, alan hasn't done anything wrong. and no, there is nothing him or the one who came before him or the one who came before that one, etc, could have done about it. it's just the way it is. i am in love, in a way i never thought could be. and it's splendid. and i'm not saying i'm going to spend the rest of my life with him 'cause that's silly 'cause i'm 19. ask me in 5 years, then maybe i'll start to have an idea of the rest of my life. but james is someone i could partner with. he has the same ideas about what a family is and should be. and this poly thing, i am a great supporter of it, but i'm not in it for life. and god oh god am i in support of it for those who it works for. but it's just not something i can see myself doing, getting married and having kids and having a boyfriend and my husband haveing a girlfriend and having them over for high tea. no. and i say this and i know i'm too young to know for sure, but right now i don't see that happening. yes i'm saying i will one day committ but right now i'm 19. i'm supposed to be out having fun, fucking up now 'cause the fuck up later will be 10 times worse. one of my friends was telling me tonight she would like to see me be just with james. "Then why bother with Alan?" because i'm no where near ready to be setteling down. but if i had to choose tomorrow.... i don't like to put it that way. but it's true, it's the easy way to put it. it's not that i don't love alan, i just don't think it's something that will last in this form forever. and i know there will be those of you who understand and those that don't. i jsut felt like i have been lying by not saying this before, sooner. i love alan, alot. i love james like i have never known love before.

i'm poly. i'm not trying to make a decision here. or i'm poly right now. i don't know what will happen in a week, 'cause it's a week from now. that's my point, i think. or it was in the one i posted in polyamory. this is me clearing my head, and making sure i'm keeping honest with myself, and everyone else. i'm in love, with two boys right now. one is going away, the other is not. one holds the lifestyle i could settle down with, the other doesn't. not that i'm at that point for another 5 or 10 years. i was just thinking, out loud, in my journal. is that so hard a concept for you all to grasp? that's all i was trying to say.

there i feel betterworse.

  • Current Mood
    shocked shocked