October 11th, 2002

optics

(no subject)

i have this habit, this cycle, of male best friends. somehow we end up parting ways at the worst of times. at first they are wonderful, they help me through a stage in my life, and i help them with girl problems. and of course, in a typical guy way they start to pick on me. and i take it. i've taken it all my life so it's like "ok, whatever." and it gets worse. and it gets abousive. this time it never got physically abusive. i'm making steps up in the world. it starts to get hard, and i ask them to stop, and they either say they will or they won't, but mostly they don't think they've done anything wrong. so they dont' change. and even when they see the hurt, the manifestation, the "don't fuckin' touch me" they don't heed. they don't stop. they obviousely don't care. i'm there for what they can use me for. when i fuffil that useage, they discard me. i'm never paying for anyone to eat dinner out when they can't swing it again.

part of me has just been ripped apart, and shot. "and then he'll go to work on you" this hurts. but there comes apoint when you have to stand up for yourself, when you reallize that it's just hurting too much. i did something i never ever ever thought i would do. could do. i kinda want to take it back, but i can't. if i do i will continue to be walked on my entire life.

"ok, it was nice knowing you, goobye."

fuck you too.... fuck you too....




.... i'm glad i mattered. matter. i'm glad i meant something. i'm glad i mean something.



i've been fucking hurting, falling apart, and all you can do is make a fuckin' joke out of it

yes, i'm crying. it's the hormones.


fuck you too.
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optics

(no subject)

i feel empty.

statik and fang have their stuff back.

i feel empty.

though i finally know i can do this on my own. life. i don't have a best friend right now, and i have no idea who it's going to become, and i'm not falling apart.

i feel empty. and alone. and i'll cry for a week 'cause that's who i am and sometimes i like being emotional. i like being a hippie.

i can't take back what i did, so now i'm going to live with it. and hopefully learn and not retreat back to what i was before i started all this. if i revert back and i realize it, i'll probably kill myself.

i won't revert back.