||[Dec. 4th, 2002|07:46 pm]
so february is supposed to be the longest month of the year (emotionally) which is why it's the shortest month of the year (litterally, 28 days people). for me, it's december. the month starts off on this supposed high of my birthday, that, until 2 or 3 years ago, was always puffed up to be more than i wanted and it ended up being this huge dissapointment. i always hated my birthday. from there it just went downhill. christmass has always been a really hard time for me. all these images of family, and all my issues with my own floating to the surface, and then just not wanting to deal with them. and the onset of cold is worse than the duration of it for me. it's when i get depressed, and have nothing to look forward too. it's always been the time of year where i skip class the most. the artifical pressure put on buy the capotolistic nature of the holidays doesn't help, and the whole "end of term" thing is just emotinally draining me. i also, without fail, get sick in december. which, comprised with the depression, makes it impossible to get out of bed. it's always in the fall that i seem to change or shift groups of friends, and in decmeber while i kinda have an idea of who my friends are again, it doesn't feel cemented enough to warrent the giving of girfts. and so, i feel more like shit, and more alone. which fules the depression, and so on and so forth. i hate december. everything from thanksgiving to new years royally sucks. and i hate the fact that i am required to go home, and i really don't want to go to the bahamas. i want to move, and hibernate, and go slowly insaine on my own rather than quickly insaine with my family.
on a lighter note i am running a slight fever, and therefore went home instead of going to rehersal. blarg.