||[Jan. 4th, 2003|12:40 am]
went to church tonight. hadn't been there in, oh god, two years. said the lords name in vain ALOT. mentioned to bobby how silly it was that a pagan was there, amongst all the god talk. bobby was there. packard was there. heather mcaskal was there, alyssa was there, reed was there, scott alan was barely recognizable. did i mention bobby was there? i miss him, alot. gurry stopped by. he might be getting deployed, though packard was trying to convince lauren that he wouldn't be, 'cause he's reserve, and we have alot of active duty people so... but we don't have a lot of active duty if we go to war.
ok, for those of you who are confused... a bit of background. i was a church kid when i was at home. episcipalian. did youth group, choir the whole lot, first as a social thing, then i found my initial spirituality through it (sort of) it's the only thing that kept me afloat when i got kicked out of school in 9th grade. lauren was my best friend. my parents hate her. went to see her today, she dragged me to this thing for our old youth group leader who was retiring. saw ALOT of old friends, it was a nice feeling of closure. weird smoking outside the church like our leaders use to. some people were missing, (becky, lauri, grace) but overall it was good. rembered just how big a crush i had on anne, damn streight girls. REALLY wished zak had been there. spent alot of the night playing middle school politics with lauren and bobby, really took me back. i really miss bobby. i forgot i had friends at home. but the entire thing was surreal, i don't know what to say. made me realize how far i had come. susan (the leader who it was for) was exstatic that i was there, jim, her husband, seriousely thought that they were never going to see me again. john (another leader) asked if i still talked to lauren and lauri and stuff, and i was like "how do you think i even KNOW about this" and for the first time in years i wish that i was staying home a bit longer. ::sigh:: oh well. must go now though, have to fly back to MA tomorrow
::hugs to all::
being able to forgive is not a weakness, but a strength, and i'm trying to teach that to bobby and lauren right now. that use to be my role, the teacher, the mender, the shoulder everyone cried on. i miss it. i wish to be it again.