|and, to top it all off, i have a fucking migraine
||[Jul. 5th, 2003|10:47 pm]
i just started gaggin and almost threw up when looking around the apartment. but not so much at what it looked like, but rather, what it signified. the apathy for myself that i have. the fact that i'm thinking about using this as an excuse to not go to rocky tonight. it use to be fun. seeing people would be cool|
i said i was going to clean today. i have trouble dragging my ass of the couch, atleast i can drag it out of bed right?
where did all this apathy come from? when did i become so bleeding depressed? why do i feel so fucking hopeless, like i'm going nowhere, and never will.
why do i have a sudden urge again to move to some no name town in the midwest, with a new wardrobe, normal hair, and become anonymouse for the rest of my life? maybe creating beautiful art that won't be discovered till death and then will only be viewed as "junk" or "garbage" by my neighboors? why has that overwhelming urge to pick up, move, and start over, been getting stronger and stronger by the day? why didn't i listen to it when i had the chance? why do i feel like i'm stuck here now?
where is this depression coming from?
i just want to skip ahead 10 year. have a job that i don't completely hate, but am not happy with. have a house that i constantly want to change, and a hybred car. and a husband, who i still find emotionally fulfilling and who puts up with the fact that i really don't have a sex drive.
i use to have a sex drive. and my nipples have been sore in that way that i'm not getting laid enough or that they haven't been getting played with enough lately but i don't really want it. i say "i need to get laid" and i don't want to put any effort into it. i just want to be tied to the bed and gagged and fucked and cry about it afterwards. i finally getmyself out of the victem mindset, and now i'm like "now what?" i started getting wicked depressed when i stopped being abused, and letting myself be taken advantage of? i start getting depressed when i've finally found REAL love. love that puts up with my faults, and that i can let see them all? what the fuck is this? why am i so fucking screwed up? have i always been this wacky?
i'm not getting the parts of my life in order that i need to 'cause what happens then? i want to be deleriousely happy or rediculousely miserable.
goddess i almost wish i had run away with skippy when i was 16 and just have been done with it all. i kinda wish that he were still around to run away with. or not him, but someone who would run away with me. i wish james would run away with me, like that. just pick up and start over. but he's more tied down to this shit than i am.
i just want to disattatch and float away. i want to start over. all of it. i don't want to be goth. i want to burn all my black, and use my fishnet for art. i want to be destructive. i want to start shopping at the gap and abercrombie and fitch. i want highlights in my hair that i have to pay someone 200 bucks 4 times a year to do. i want to be at the salon sitting and gabbing about my child's soccer game while getting my nails done. i want a minivan, and to be 15lbs overweight and have a husband who's stuck in middle management for the rest of his life. i want normalcy. now.