Nchanter (nchanter) wrote,

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my eyes are open. now ask yourself, are yours?

i'm re-writing my life. not the past, not revisionist history, but the future. just too much crazy stuff has been happeneing lately, too many changes, and i realize weather or not i want to, that's the position i am in at the moment. breaking up with james, i've found myself with lots of free time on my hands, which granted, i've found ways to fill, but with new people, new things. and other people who i thought were there for me, haven't been. there are people i expected to hear from that i haven't, and that's their choice, but then they need to not be surprised when they find that i'm not in their lives anymore. i considered cutting out all my james-based friends, but that's silly. and some people are really gray when it comes to that area. and it's not 'cause i'm bitter or anything, but because i find myself going in a very different direction these days. just as i don't see my lexington friends much anymore. it's not 'cause they suck, it's 'cause i'm drastically different than i was at 17 and 18. i want different things out of friendships and out of life.

there are always a few individuals who make it through those types of transitions, who stay close even though i don't hang out with the group anymore (katie chew is an excellent example of that, as is aprotim) i consider myself closer with both of them now than i was when i saw them on a more regular basis. maybe it's the fact that i can count on their support in situations such as this one that make me go "hey, (s)he is a real friend, someone who's going to be around for a while." aprotim has been around for over a decade. i don't expect him to ever really go away.

this whole thing has been very hard on me. but i had a wonderful weekend. i cried less (but yes, i still cried) and i spent some wonderful time with some new people, some old, and some in-between. in such an event as arisia, where lots and lots of people that everyone knows is around, that someone wanted to spend a significant chunk of time with me resonates deeply. that others didn't really seem to care was noted too, maybe not a significantly noted, but still noted. i'm rating positive experiences with greater weight than negative ones, but they are all still being judged.

just 'cause you've said once or twice over aim that you care, doesn't mean that you do. i'm looking for real signs of careing, like stopping by when i've asked you not to, or calling me a few times, a few days in a row, to see if i'm ok. and different things by different people hold different weight. i'm judging everyone on an individual basis, but i AM judging. i'd list the people i am not in question about right now, but that would imply that everyone i didn't list i am in question about, and i'm simply not going to rember to think of everyone. but if you have questions about where we stand, then go ahead and ask them, 'cause your probably right. if your not doubting, than cool, your probably on the right track. if i have made a concious effort to try and see you recently, that's a REALLY good sign. if you haven't reciprocated or blown me off, that hurts, 'cause i'm being somewhat selective right now.

this isn't meant as a guilt trip, this is just me letting everyone know where i stand. i stand HERE. have you looked around at where you stand lately.

also, livejournal friends, this only applies to the people i know in real life. but i still value your input, your thoughts, etc. sometimes, they mean more than those of the people i know.

i also want to extend special thanks to darxus and annie for the things you did for me this weekend. i feel the need to publically aknowledge you two in particular.

-Kristen M Snyder

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