||[Apr. 2nd, 2004|08:48 am]
analogies, adjectives, all, gone from my head. i have these amazing deep philisopical disscussions with myself, in my head, about where i am right now, every day, and i can't seem to get a single one down. about truth, love, life, friendship, the normal babblings that go down in this space and every time i sit down infront of the glowing pad i get *STUCK* in the mud of my own *BULLSHIT* tears are supposed to be great fodder for this stuff, but they drain me instead of fule the furnase, and i am no longer moved to tirading rage. i am BORED. i am BLOCKED and this is BULLSHIT. even this is comeing out only in dribbles, like i have a brita attatched to my fingers like i do to the facet on the kitchen sink.|
and fiction is only worse. there are stories that i have been working on for *years* now and i get these great ideas while at work, something about how a female-only society would actually WORK and how they would acctually be tought about men, and re-production, but as a vulger primitive thing like the animals, like that episode of star trek where Riker falls in love with *whats her name* who is a *whatsit* that comes from a species with no gender, except i wouldn't do that no-gender shit, it really would all be famale, with fems and butches and that being ENCURAGED instead of SUPPRESSED. but i can't put it into anything useful for the parts i already have written. and i don't have to include it but i need to write it as a refferance, 'cause otherwise, i'll just loose the cohesiveness and controdict myself and i HATE that about bad SF. that's what MAKES something bad SF for me. lack of cohesiveness, consistancy.
and i hate crying. i'm not even sure WHY i've been crying. i cried two nights ago, i cried this morning, and as much as darxus triggered it, it really wasn't his fault. it's, something else within me. i think it's the fact that i really don't like living alone, that this place isn't much more togeather than it was when i moved in, and i feel so ALONE in that task. i thought i was... i dunno... wasn't there a point to my mother comeing up? 'cause if there WAS i cannot FIND it.
I don't think my fingers have moved that fast: except for at work: in WEEKS. and it felt good. though, now, it's stopped. but it's a bit more than a trickle and maybe that's all i can wring out of this super-soaked sponge at the moment. maybe i need to be pushed. someone PUSH me. maybe THIS is why i need to be in school, something to PUSH against, something to FORCE me to write BS so there is also an outlet so i can get the NON BS out. i don't know.
go sit down and write another 300 words, before work, abotu ANYTHING at ALL, and DON"T post it here, and show it to me or don't tongiht.
and ignore the typos, i'm not quite right.
i'll see you soon!
i agree that writing for the sake of writing will help. Myself, when i'm not writing regularly, i have to do a poison bleed of my mind and get out all the crap on the top that's keeping me from thinking. i just spill that shit and then ignore it - delete it if you want, and THEN try to get out what you're really thinking.
also, keep a notepad with you at work. Having done office work, i can sympathize - but i went to CVS and bought a mini-notebook and wrote my ideas in there. very useful.
school is good for pushing, but for me it takes up so much time with bullshit that i hardly have time to do what i want. i'm getting better about that, though. being an english major helps.
is there some kind of writing group you could join? not that you have a lot of free time but maybe some kind of weekly workshop would be the push you need.
*hug* i love you... i wish i weren't so far away so i could come home and help you do unpacking stuff. it's easy when it's not your own stuff. you might want to set aside 30 minutes a day to work on that, too. just so you aren't doing too much at once.... good luck.
Generally I believe that creativity happens differently for everyone, and some folks need ass-kicking and some need deadlines and some just seem to do it without external pressures. I think it was Neil Gaiman who said something about every writer having about a million bad words that they need to get out before the good ones can emerge. Bravo for even trying!
Two things that I find helpful to creativity, possibly relevant to the "flow" kind of creativity that so much of writing seems to be: Always carry a notebook, and jot down every idea in it preferably as close as possible to the moment it forms in mind. Also, if you're not getting the creative thing happening in the physical location that you're in, try shifting to somewhere else. This really makes a huge difference.
There's a common problem that I call the Optimized Desk Trap. You put a lot of work into setting up your creative space, and if it isn't where your creativity can best flow at that moment, you don't get anything done, feel like a failure, and feel guilty for putting all that effort into making the "ideal" workspace and then not producing in it. The workspace is for implementation, creativity needs to be allowed to happen where it will. If it's possible to do this on the work PC, get the key ideas and phrases onto the screen when they happen, and email them to yourself. Also, the words don't have to come out perfect the first time. Plenty of writers will tweak, refine, polish, struggle, rewrite, etc. to get the words just right. Plenty of writers have notebooks filled with earlier-draft story fragments. In my case it's sketches for all sorts of art and craft projects, but the general idea is the same.
::push:: There now, go write!
i am very sorry if i irritated you in any way by im'ing you about your community, but i'm sure you saw the post in question there, as it was deleted. it was simply that she was being complacent and refused to change it for anyone, and i wasn't sure if you had seen it. i tend to be a bit impatient at times when it comes to things like that, so i apologize again if i bothered you at all, and if this comment here bothers you.
i also want to say thank you for taking care of the matter, and for putting the lj-cut requirements in the community info.