||[Aug. 16th, 2004|02:27 pm]
I use to think i was an emotional person. people kept on telling me i was, 'cause i reacted so violantly to my emotions. the opposite is really true; i'm constantly at odds with them, they are powerful, often out of my control, and i often don't understand them. it is something i shall always have to struggle with.
Something i need to learn to work on is how to handle them. Sometimes i let them carry me away, sometimes i don't pay attention to them. this sucks. this sucks hardcore.
There is this guy, who i've liked, and been involved with, on and off for years. I've let other people's concerns keep me from haveing the relationship with him that i would like to have. this has always haunted me. In May i was starting to finally work past that, decideing that i really did want a relationship, others be damned, and then, when dad died, i shut alot of people out, including him, including my girlfriends, 'cause i needed time to get myself togeather. so i'm finally in a good emotional place again, and i'm talking to this guy, and he tells me he's been spending time wiht someone i really don't like. and i fly off. i get protective, possesive, and downright bitchy. again, i'm letting someone else get in the way of what i want, and what i want to do. and after my outburst i feel like anyway i act now is suspect. i dunno, i really should learn how to reign in those outbursts more... i've gotten better.
There was a party, this weekend, that i kinda expected to be invited to, but wasn't. i didn't know it was going to be this weekend until i read, in someone's journal today, about said party. i got kinda upset that i hadn't been invited. i consider some of the hosts friends, and i don't get to see them enough. it's not a big deal, but i had a disperportionally intense reaction when i realized i hadn't been invited. *sigh* i was already upset over the first thing, so i guess that's kinda why, but... augh.
Just thoughts and things to work on, i guess.