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On friendships [Jun. 8th, 2005|03:01 pm]
[emotional state |grumpygrumpy]

There are so many different types, and this past week has made me think of the many types.

I have a best friend. I have a best friend I can *wake up* at random hours and she won't be upset 'cause she'll know I need it, and she can do the same. That rocks

I have a close-nit group of female friends, that I trust my life with. I would also trust any of them to be alone in a room with my primary. That is so cool.

I have a wider circle of friends, who I for the most part trust. Some of them make odd judgements sometimes, but they all seems to learn, and they are, for the most part, reasonable and responsible. (I can invite people over and not have to worry about things getting broken as the result of a party. Apparently, most "normal" people worry about this when throwing parties in their 20s. hugh. sucks to be them)

However, I have a friend, who I use to like very much, who has been grating on my nervs, who has been grating on other people's nervs more than mine. I can kinda deal with it/put up with it one-on-one with this person, but this person is often unbearable in group settings. So much so, that I consider not inviting said person and said person's partner to social events I am planning on hosting, because I know it will significantly decrease the enjoyment of my other friends who sometimes just can't push this person out of their head, or ignore them. I have also, in the past, tried to bring this up to said person, and this person took it rather well at the time, but I may have not been clear enough as no behavior has changed. Or rather, I thought I saw a change for a little bit (one or two parties) and then they have reverted back to the old behavior. Either my tolerance has changed, or this person has really gotten worse in the last few social settings I have seen them in.

Would you want to know? Would you want to know even if you felt hurt by it? How would you go about telling someone this information in a non-threatinging non-confrontational way? Would you explain that this is part of the reason they may have felt "left out" of somethings? I know I should try and not bring other people into it, and say that "this is what I have observed" and so on. But I'm looking for much more advice.


[User Picture]From: asciikitty
2005-06-08 07:14 pm (UTC)

::looks at you askance::
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[User Picture]From: woodwardiocom
2005-06-08 07:23 pm (UTC)
Would you want to know? Would you want to know even if you felt hurt by it?

-I would want to know. If I'm making mistakes, I want to learn from them. Feedback is important.

How would you go about telling someone this information in a non-threatinging non-confrontational way?

-On this, I have no good advice. I'm not sure I see an easy way to keep it from going boom.
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[User Picture]From: elvendoll
2005-06-08 07:28 pm (UTC)
ug, those situations suck.

in the past, i've taken the cowardly route and either dealt with it or quietly not invited them.

the hardest part about telling someone is how to convey that a number of people are having a problem with the person but not naming names/speaking for them and thus possibly setting them up for confrontations they didn't choose. if you have an answer for that, i'd love it if you shared.
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[User Picture]From: water_childe
2005-06-08 07:34 pm (UTC)
If it were me, I'd sure as hell want to know. Lord knows how pissy and miserable I get if I feel like people aren't even trying to be direct with me.
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[User Picture]From: elvendoll
2005-06-08 07:43 pm (UTC)
y'know, i think a part of it is levels of closeness. with people i am close to, and to whom i feel my opinion should matter, i'd definately make a point of talking about it; with casual acquaintances though, i tend to just steer away from confrontation.
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[User Picture]From: tisana
2005-06-08 07:37 pm (UTC)
As confused and hurt as I might be by it, I'd want to know. I mean, this is how I found out someone wanted to end our friendship (such as it was)...she made a vague post about "a friend" and I thought, "Gee, if I didn't think it odd that she'd post where I could see it, I'd say she's talking about me."
Well, whaddaya know.
She was.
But we handled it well--she told me why she didn't see we had much of a friendship, I agreed, and we went our own ways, and were cool.
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[User Picture]From: cos
2005-06-08 08:00 pm (UTC)
I'd want to know, but... it's really frustrating to have things like that conveyed anonymously and not be able to actually talk to the people who feel that way, or even find out what specific incidents or impressions are part of it. So it might be better to just speak for yourself, and not for others who want to remain anonymous.
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[User Picture]From: heinleinfan
2005-06-08 08:01 pm (UTC)
I do always want to know when I'm making mistakes.

There is no painless way to do it. Especially if having talked about it once brought no results. This just means the person is completely oblivious to their behavior and will most likely act betrayed no matter how you say it.

The last thing I would recommend is bringing up either people, though. It never seems to work and often, when these other people are confronted, they will deny or play down things they told you...and thus you look like you were making it all up.

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[User Picture]From: superfinemind
2005-06-08 09:42 pm (UTC)
I'd want to know.

And not in a non-hurtful way, because I'd probably figure out what you meant, and be hurt by that /and/ that you wouldn't just come out and say it.
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[User Picture]From: quathius
2005-06-08 09:54 pm (UTC)
I'd definately want to know. As far as my reaction it depends on how well i know you and care about you as a friend. I would either blow up and make a big deal and say you are full of shit, or i would understand that you really care and you are not trying to be an asshole and that if i care i should do something about this. So yeah, tell the person directly. And if they can't take it, maybe you should wonder how much they really care about you and everyone else.
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[User Picture]From: swashbucklr
2005-06-09 02:56 pm (UTC)
I'd want to know. Directly. Either talk to me about it in person, or on the phone. Email and IM aren't that great for it, as there's a lack of non-verbal communication that lends to problems.

If this person is your friend, it shouldn't be too uncomfortable to let them know that there is a problem. But if you can't bring yourself to talk directly, send the email and leave the door open for a response. Let them know that you are very concerned, but also very hurt, by what is going on, and that you either want to fix the problem, or go your seperate ways.
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