*hugs* Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this.
You're welcome (and I'm particularly glad you got to read it. I didn't know if you'd see it, but I'm happy you did.)
I'm reading everything on this topic that I think I can stand to read (some of Shira, specific threads from Scott that get passed along to me, You, Wex, taura_g, and MizArchivist, basically). I have a lot of thoughts, and I've been talking about it a bit in private channels, but I'm just not up for talking about this "out loud" yet. There's been a lot of other stuff going on and I haven't had time to catch my (emotional) breath.
Yeah, I just tried to write even a tiny actual-point and I can tell I'm flubbing the words. I agree with you LOTS. I have lots of thoughts. I want to be clear & therefore more effective (I hope) when I say them. So much <3 for you.
Thank you for posting this. I definitely remember your relationship with Darxus as being abusive, and I think I commented on that, to you, at the time (or shortly after the breakup). In hindsight, it was clearly a very unhealthy relationship for both of you. With huge emphasis on the "very".
And yet, Darxus has a key to my house, is dating my live-in girlfriend, is an honorary uncle to my daughter, and puts her to bed one night a week. I sometimes have trouble reconciling this.
I have complete respect and understanding for your decision to distance yourself from Darxus and thus from me and my family. I do miss you, but I understand that my choices have consequences I have to live with.
People do have nuance, and do change. I have had many conversations with Zeph over the years about how he's changed, and a few with him. (I should probably have another one soon.)
I'm rambling, so I'll finish up by saying thanks, again. You've reminded me of another side of this issue.
You are one of the chief examples in my head when I think of people who are not bad people just 'cause they are friends with Darxus. You've always been respectful and understanding enough to not ever try and tell me that I should give him another chance. I am really grateful for that respect (and it's kinda absurd that society tells me I should be grateful for someone respecting my perspective, but that's a completely other conversation, and doesn't make me feel less grateful or appreciative towards you).
You're a good guy Jon. Keep it up.
You're a good guy Jon. Keep it up.
You warm my heart, dear.
2014-07-15 05:58 pm (UTC)
Point, game, set
I do understand that there are people who think they can paint the world with neat lines of black and white but I wasn't joking when I wrote: I reject any formulation that says, "It's simple, just XYZ."
I'm sorry I was not aware of how bad your relationship with Darxus had been or that it included coerced sex.
2014-07-15 08:07 pm (UTC)
Re: Point, game, set
The second part of your comment is bothering me. I'm hearing it as "well, now that I know you were serious about the fact that your relationship was abusive, I'll respect the fact that you don't want to deal with your ex."
Look, I don't think you're a bad person for continuing to welcome him into your home. I get it -- this shit is complicated. However, there is some... underlying implications... to your comment that you needed to know the details to *believe* me that I find deeply unsettling.
I realize that this community is a lot more sensitive to this sort of thing than it was 8 years ago, partially in thanks to Song speaking out about her experiences, and partially because the (geeky) cultural narrative is changing (thank the ever loving gods for that).
While I'm not personally comfortable with Judah being publicly vilified as much as he has been, I have never once doubted the validity of Song's trauma, and I have never once said that it isn't her right to scream from the rooftops her narrative of the situation. I feel like your comment, is communicating how without that knowledge, it was OK for you (and/or others) to doubt me, or not treat my claims or distaste for Darxus as valid.
(I'm trying very hard to not attack you here... I'm sorry if anything I am saying is hurtful. But it's how I feel. I do appreciate the apology, and hopefully the silver lining to this entire mess is lots of things being learned.)
2014-07-15 08:19 pm (UTC)
Re: Point, game, set
You should not feel badly. I clearly worded my comment poorly and for that I also apologize. I do believe you and would (I hope) have believed what you said without any details. I have always said I believed Song and I've been arguing against people who I feel are evidence-demanding and blame-shifting.
Apologies are often undercut by the apologizer trying to explain what they meant to say. If you want to know what I meant I will try again, but otherwise I'll stop here: I am sorry that my comment unsettled you and I promise to listen openly to anything you want to say to me.
I very much appreciate hearing your voice in this. Thank you.
Your welcome. Thank you for reading.
Short version of my Darxus/Zeph thoughts: I figured they were skating by on "plausible deniability" and Zeph having totally dumped nearly everyone who knew her history (and no one bothered to listen to ahf
when that would have meant not being able to play with "the new hotness").
I will point out that ahf
was not the primary injured party in things with Zeph, she was just caught in the fall-out.
For those of you that think Zeph's wonderful and a great friend, I'm happy for you and I hope you're right. But I'm not going to actually believe it.
Thank you for this. And I'm sorry. *hugs if you want them*
Thank you for writing this.
Thank you for reading it.
*hugs* Clearly I have been far too busy being unemployed to keep up with the kerfuffle. I think this is a good thing. Thank you for bringing some clarity and level-headedness.
I've been busy, but I've caught enough of it that it's been gnawing at me. Writing this out has helped settle my mind some (and man, the amount of deleting expletives that I did before posting this... glad that it made me sound level-headed. I don't completely *feel* level headed).
My connection to this is tangential at best. I've been in the same place at the same time as most of the principals at one time or another, but have had near zero social interactions with any of them.
I used to regret that I didn't know some of them better; after this, not so much.
I'm sorry that you got caught up in the blast radius of the mess.
I'm here. I read all of it. HUGS
Thanks for writing this. Well said. *Hugs*
Thank you for posting this, and*hugs*
2014-07-16 07:23 pm (UTC)