Nchanter (nchanter) wrote,

So here is my problem with the conversation going on in our community (and if you have no idea what I'm talking about, Goddess bless you and move along) -- there are a lot of people that are trying to get around talking about specifics and nuances. These things aren't black and white. You can't have black and white rules (well, you can, but they tend to backfire). Additionally, there is some demonizing going on of people who aren't holding specific black and white lines. That's so not OK.

Judah isn't welcome in my home. Someone I care about *vastly* more than him has said she doesn't want him around. That's the end of it for me. I don't think that people who still are friends with him are bad people. I don't think that Rachel and Scott are bad people for allowing him to be at the BoS party. I think that anyone demonizing them for it is wrong. People make decisions and choices given the information they have at the time. Sometimes it is flawed. Sometimes it's not. Sometimes they have information that you don't have.

There are a lot of well meaning people who are saying things that boil down to "abusers aren't tolerated at my parties" and while I understand and agree with the sentiment, I call bullshit. You know why I call bullshit? Because my abusive ex-boyfriend (Darxus) is still invited to their parties, and allowed in their houses. I've had someone, as recently as a year ago, try and tell me that I should give him the benefit of the doubt, that he's a good guy, etc. Some of these same people are saying that Judah isn't welcome in their homes.

I'll admit I'm a bit bitter. Is Darxus accepted in the community still because I wasn't as public about it as Song is? Maybe. I won't drumbeat that much out in public. However, in the 8+ years since my ex and I broke up I have not been exactly quiet about the fact that our relationship was abusive. Was there as clear a case of rape as there was with Judah and Song? I would not say that my ex ever raped me. Was I in a relationship where I didn't feel like I could say no to sex without repercussions? Yes.

Let me state that again with less negatives: I was in a relationship where I felt like if I said no to sex, there would be negative repercussions.

Many people in the community are still friends with him, still invite him to their parties, welcome him into their homes, and that was a large reason why I stopped showing up to things, and distanced myself from the community. I stopped going to Scott and Rachel's parties for half-a-decade because of that, and once I started showing up I *always* made sure there was someone on my "safe" list there that I could flee to if I started having a panic attack (which I have).

Am I angry? Mostly not any more. I'm not saying all of this because I want people to dis-invite Darxus, ostracize him, etc. I'm saying this because I can't stand the hypocrisy. Because this shit is rarely as black-and-white as some people are portraying it to be. Because I am still friendly acquaintances or casual friends with people that still speak to him. They are not bad people. Neither are those who chose to maintain a friendship with Judah. Rachel and Scott are not bad people for not previously banning Judah from their parties.

People, relationships, narratives and life all have nuances. Please remember to acknowledge that.

Kris "Nchanter" Snyder
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