||[Jan. 5th, 2002|10:23 am]
|[||song on the wind
|||||the controls - opium dreams||]|
right now i'm sitting in the skills center doing a saturday mornign study hall. this is bullshit, to quote max gellar.
i wish i were still curled up around sarah, she's sleeping in my bed still. yes, sarah the crack-whore. except she's clean right now. not even alcohol (and i thought i would have someone to drink with last night... poo-y) :-P. well, i'm actually glad for her. she has such a stupid addictive personality, and the rest of her friends are stupid and drugged, or marcus. and then there is me. i don't dish out the same bullshit. we watched the dark crystal last night. so so so many people have not seen that movie, and then i show it to them! it was definately worth the $20 i spent on it just to show it to eric. ::grin:: i don't even think we ever finished watching it, we kept on falling asleep.
i slept last night. first time in two nights. i need to re-arrange my sleeping schedule to fit my lifestyle. well, atleast until mid march, in which case i can design my lifestyle a bit more.
tonight i'm going to tam's party with alan. i really can't believe i'm going to a tam party. my sophmore year i was so upset that i could never go, and now i'm going to go to one. alan is much better friends with him than i, and they are friends with alot of the same people, as they are both csw, dne, and other silly acronym peoples. i will probably see lots of alum who i haven't seen i a while, some of which who won't know my name and will wonder what i'm doing there. oh well.
going out with katie (sugary828) this afternoon though. we will gossip about all the stupid people we know, and i will tell her about my new wonderful love interest (yes, besides alan. yea for being poly!!) i don't feel like shouting it on livejournal. (i'm not ashamed in the least. and it's sorta 'cause what people will think, but only 'cause i know they won't get it. and yes, there is something to *get*) if you want to know, please feel free to ask me. i want to shout it from the rooftops, and at the same time, not. it's the most....
see, now you've got me started. ::good sigh::
the feeling of stress and panic that usually surrounds me. the brain that works faster than it's own cpu can work, let alone write/type/verbalise. it's slowed down. he is my opiet, with no come down, no fear of an OD and death, no bad stuff. higher than the highest high with no harsh come-down. the only come down is the gentel lull of time away from eachother. and it's not a come down, it's a gradual recession of the feeling i can only descibe as euphoric. and euphoria is such an inadiquate adjective. and love is such a pale pale word compaired to what i feel. with him my issues of intamacy are just not there. they are not less or they don't fade once i get around him. but once in his presence they just cease to exist. and it's not about sex. it's so not about sex. even once we have sex, if we ever do, it won't be about sex. it's not about orgasm, or carnal pleasures. it's about.... i sleep sound with him. i sleep sound with the knowledge of him. i can lay there stark naked with him and it not be sexual, or tense. i can be completely clothed sitting across the room from him and be in such a state of arounsal just knowing his aura is brushing up against mine. and we are linked. there are moments that i can hear his thought before he says them. soon i'll catch myself answering questions he hasn't asked yet. this is beyong *anything* i've ever experienced. ever. or to quote him "this just doesn't exist. stuff like this doesn't happen</b> and i stare into his blue eyes, those eyes where i've watched fire dance and that go on into a sea of infinity, infinately, pulling me in and never ever ever locking me out. i stare into his eyes and the emotional content of what he has said surges through not only my body, but my very being. our essences lock and don't let go. he is my every waking thought and my rose-tinted dreams. and i never believed in a rose-tined world. my biting sarcasm isn't biting around him. i'm too.... soft
with perfect love and perfect trust
cheesey teenaged moveis are good for somethings.
i never believed in perfection before.....
i said i wasn't going to do this. i still feel i haven't. i haven't even skimmed the surface.